Blog From A Broad

your questions answered, #37

Since I've been having a gander at my stats for this month, I thought I'd answer a few of the pressing questions that have led to my site. Does Google go to this sort of trouble? No. It doesn't even send you a card on your birthday. Neither do I, but that's not really the point.

how to get a dog to go into a car
In our experience, this involved the following:
1. Tap the open boot/trunk of the car repeatedly with your hand and gently coax the dog into it verbally (it's a hatchback, don't call the RSPCA).
2. Put treats in the boot and repeat tapping/coaxing.
3. Place the dog's front paws on the boot. Keep tapping and coaxing.
4. Select a few choice swear words to utter when the dog removes his paws and wanders off to sniff the hedge.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 for a week.
6. Fold the back seats down flat, climb on top of them, open the boot, and call the dog while waving a treat at him.
7. Repeat step 6 for about three weeks until the dog finally decides that being in the car isn't terrifying and actually enjoys it.
8. Start at step 1 again after you take your first long car ride to see your in laws, and the dog figures out that you're not taking him to the park for a walk, you lying bastard.

find a good restaurant to go out to eat at for my birthday
You are far too lazy to deserve a nice meal for your birthday. I suggest that your friends ring your doorbell, throw stale McNuggets at you, and run away.

what pills combined with cheesecake can kill you
Never, ever, ever eat cheesecake after you've consumed an entire package of Sudafed non-drowsy. Otherwise, you're good to go.

what are some of the changes that happens when a goat gets pregnant
She'll likely back away from you whenever you go out to the fields with "that look" on your face.

why does my dog nibble on my ear
Because he really likes you.

And a list of my favourite kind of search strings, entries that seem like random snippets of conversation:

• he pigged out on baby back ribs (That's the last time you offer to pay for dinner at Chili's.)
  
• jetsons here we come! (Yay!)
  
• just play nuts (As opposed to work nuts?)
  
• my baby hiccups too much during pregnancy (Bad baby! Bad!)
  
• my liver hurts when i sneeze (I don't even know where my liver is, so well done to you for feeling it, you clever clogs.)
  
• picture of a duck and a waffle (Words fail me. And yet, I am intrigued.)
  
• pictures of my friend paul (Paul wanted me to tell you that he's not really your friend; he's just nice to you to be polite. Sorry.)
  
• she's got nuts (Did she feature in "The Crying Game"?)
  
• stinky bare feet photos (How on earth do you show that feet are stinky in a photograph? Stink lines?)
  
• the best puppy in the world named rustle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That's fab, but I bet he's really called Russell and thinks you're a bit dim.)