"Look! It's the Boston ducks!" you said to me, as you excitedly pointed at a mug with ducks on it. "The...what?" I looked at my (then) boyfriend and his mum, both shrugging at me. "The ducks! You lived in Boston, right? The Boston ducks! The duck tour? The ducks from the book?" I had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, except that you knew I lived in Boston for 6 months when I was a kid. Even after we eventually got more of an explanation about the Boston ducks, it never really mattered. This would always be our point of reference when we didn't know what you were talking about. We'd all look at each other and say "The Boston ducks!" and you would smile too.
I feel like I need to replay these scenes in my head over and over, recall the sound of your voice, try to remember every single detail of the past 16 years with you as I try to figure out how to do this without you. As I go through each day, I realise that you are everywhere now.
You are your grandson who also has thick, spiky hedgehog hair. You are your granddaughter when she wrinkles her nose at pasta. You are your youngest granddaughter who would happily eat nothing but cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You are your youngest son in a million "it's a Durbin man thing" ways.
Every day when I get my shoes out of the exceptionally clever cupboard you made just for me, you are there.
You are in mind when I look out the window and think about what I'm going to plant this year. I won't have my "toh-may-to" basket from you which, to be honest, was the only thing that ever really thrived in my garden. I will try my best to make something grow out of the advice you gave me. I wish I'd paid more attention.
When I get my morning cereal, I see your big box of Weetabix in my cupboard. I think it's probably out of date now, if such a thing is possible with Weetabix. But I'm not going to get rid of it just yet.
You will be with us in Toronto where you went to summer camp and learned how to swim with a kid called Bobby (or 'baaaah-bee' as you laughed), and you had your first taste of chocolate milk.
I sometimes roll my eyes at how we now only seem to see the world through the lens of a mobile phone, but it means that I don't have to look very hard to find you. You're dotted throughout my camera roll and the folders on my Macbook. Thanks to our online life, a lot of people you never met have been asking about you. I'm proud to introduce you to them.
For as long as these things are around and we remember, you will be here. We will talk about you and smile about you, then our kids will tell their kids, and you will still be here.
And we will always smile about the Boston ducks, even though it still doesn't make any sense to anyone.
Friday, 5 January 2018
What the..it's been a year since I blogged? The hell, man? Right, let's get down to my annual "not resolutions" list of stuff for 2018.
Last year's list was:
- Keep up the fitness stuff: I did! Still lifting heavy things three times a week, running, rollerskating, and taking tap classes. Look at me go.
- Take control of my yarny projects: Oh well, I definitely didn't do this. I still have a baby blanket to finish (baby was born last May!) and lots of other unfinished projects. I did manage to complete a few things, though. But yeah, the WIPs live on.
- Work on the house: Nope, didn't really do this either. Added a few bits to "my" lounge and made some small changes but it's still in progress. I was just thinking this morning of putting money aside to do the family bathroom. I want a big, bubble bath worthy tub.
- Improve my running: Yeah, no.
- Okay body fat, it's time to go: There's probably less fat and more muscle on me now, but still a work in progress. I'm okay with that.
I can just duplicate this for 2018, can't I? Ah, I'll modify it a bit:
- Body/gym: I think I've got a lot better at setting mini goals and found lots of things that help me stay on track (journalling, challenges, mindfulness, etc.) I'm now looking at building strength and getting lean. They seem like two opposing goals, but I think I have the right information to do it. I want to SEE the muscles that I'm building!
- Budget: Like I said, I want to put money aside to do nice things to the house. I really want that big bath. I've been meaning to do a budget for months now, anyway.
- Running: I do still want to get back into it regularly and work on my pace. I think there's a fine balance between running and lifting, and I need to make sure I don't overdo it and injure myself. I've signed up for two 10k races so far.
- Learn new things: piano, crochet and knitting skills, a language. Do all those things I keep saying "I've always wanted to learn how to..." about.
at 5:54 pm