Tuesday 4 February 2003

call now, our operators are standing by

I'm going to market my own diet system called "Eat Less, Move More: Stop Eating Like Geri Halliwell Because She Looks Horrible, And For God's Sake, Why Do You Want to Look Like THAT?" Honestly. The new year always brings on a new crop of dieters and diet "experts" who claim to have the magic formula for losing weight. Even the BBC had staff follow the Kylie, Geri, and Carol diets, and came back with reports like "How fabulous; I've lost a stone in 3 weeks!". Yes, no kidding. It's because you're eating bugger all. Your body doesn't care if you're eating 1,200 calories a day worth of protein, carbs, or Twinkies. If you restrict what you eat, you'll consume less calories and lose weight (but you may drop dead from the lack of nutritional value from your daily food).

I'm going to share my diet secret with you all. Normally I'd ask for �29.95 per month (plus a �150 joining fee), but for you, I make a special price. Are you ready? Here it is: burn more calories than you consume and you'll lose weight. Don't eat crap. Get out and exercise. Thank you, I accept all major credit cards and my book is available for purchase in the lobby.

Hey, has anyone marketed the Twinkie diet yet?

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