your weekly horoscope
Thanks to my friend Gordon Bradley, here are your horoscopes for this week. Call his psychic hotline today!
aries: your ingenuity as a rock promoter is hailed when you combine Blink 182 and Sum 41 to create a super-group called "don't blink or the sum is 223"
taurus: the inside of a ping-pong ball is all volume, and the outside is all mass. but can you fit one up your ass?
gemini: you are not doing too bad nutritionally these days, compared to most whores and junkies
cancer: if you were forced to articulate the "word" in your scrabble tray now, you would be in deep trouble indeed
leo: oh my God is that Leonard Cohen figure-skating in that frilly dress? that bitch can skate!
libra: the Canadian womens' hockey team called; they said to keep your hands off their girlfriends 'til they get back
virgo: the olympic motto of "better, faster, stronger" is heard most frequently in your bedroom
sagittarius: 10W30 was not intended to be used as breath spray, although it seems to have worked for Jesse (governor of Minnesota) "the body" Ventura
capricorn: there's a little McDonald's in everyone; oops, mine just fell out. sorry
scorpio: both your promiscuity and your blatant lies win you many friends this week
aquarius: if the year of the horse makes you think of some hot UPS or Domino's man, so be it
pisces: it's not a cakewalk being Britney Spears--she has to share her last name with canned asparagus