Wednesday 29 October 2003

throwing tomatoes

Johnathan Ross has asked us to list the worst films ever. I usually rate a film's horribleness by something I call the "Plane Factor": if it's so awful that I won't even watch it on a long haul flight, it must really, really suck.

Nine Films That Failed the Plane Factor:

  • XXX - Vin Diesel in the dullest action film ever. I opted to watch the channel that shows the flight's altitude, speed, and external temperature for 2 hours instead.

  • Daredevil - I'm starting to think that anything Ben Affleck touches turns into a diva with a large caboose, or a very bad film. I believe reruns of Cheers and sports news won out over this one.

  • The Blair Witch Project - Perhaps the back of the airline seat in front of you is not the best screening medium for this film. Still, I think the sign of a bad horror film is when a) it makes you giggle and b) you utter a small "Yay!" every time a main character gets bumped off.

  • Titanic - 2 1/2 hours of mindless drivel combined with a theme song by Celine Dion. There is nothing more sinister and tortuous on this earth.

  • The Avengers - I am a huge fan of the original series and I love Uma Thurman. This film was truly awful. Truly. If this was showing on a flight, I would have grabbed a parachute and headed for the nearest emergency exit.

  • Unbearable Lightness of Being - Or as I like to call it, "The Unbearable Length of a Film". I couldn't even make it through the book. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy many lengthy arty films ("Camille Claudel" is one of them) but this one is painful.

  • Jacob's Ladder - I saw this film for free and I still felt ripped off afterwards. It's one of those films that makes you say to your cinema companion, "What the flaming hell was that about?"

  • Tomb Raider - Not even Angelina Jolie's incredibly pert boobies could keep me watching this film. It's been shown on two flights with two different airlines I've been on, and it was on television recently. I still haven't made it all the way through to the end.

  • Moulin Rouge - I wanted to like this film. It had Ewan McGregor in it. It looked luscious but was too corny to digest.

What's on your worst film list?

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