Blog From A Broad

that's right, i have no life

I feel it's my duty to provide the general public with my guide to this year's Big Brother contestants. Well that and I've run out of things to blog about, so bear with me. Apologies in advance to those of you outside the UK, or who are in the UK and don't give a rat's tuckus about Big Brother.

Lisa's Guide to the Big Brother housemates

• Anthony: He's a "70s dancer", which you can apparently list as a profession when you are a Big Brother contestant. I have no idea what this entails, but it strikes me as odd that someone born in the 80s can make a living as a 70s dancer.
  
• Craig: He's a hairdresser, he's bitchy, he's camp, but he's not gay, thank you very much!
  
• Derek: He is gay, and a Tory to boot. He's ever so posh and speaks like Dr. Seuss has written his dialogue. One morning he waxed lyrical while doing the dishes (alone), and uttered the line: "Will I sparkle and shine? Fame will be mine!"
  
• Kemal: Often seen tottering around the house in black underwear and stilettos, Kemal is loud and proud. During his entrance to the house, part of his rather flamboyant outfit got caught on the stairs, leading to his best line: "Veil, don't let me down, bitch!" Enjoys taking baths in the bin.
  
• Lesley: She's got the "only boobs in the village." Claims to have the biggest breasts in Huddersfield and sounds like a cross between Caroline Aherne's checkout girl and Vicki Pollard.
  
• Makosi: Provided the best moments in week one when her secret mission (doled out by Big Brother because she was the "unlucky 13th contestant") was to obtain the most nominations that week. If she got the most nominations, she would be immune from the public vote, and hooooo boy, did she ever. Unfortunately she still seems to think that she's on this mission, as she continues to provoke housemates into hating her.
  
• Mary: First out of the house, which is a shame. She has got to be the loopiest contestant in BB history having claimed to be a witch, psychic, abducted by aliens several times, and told housemates that BB was going to bring her dog into the house. She doesn't own a dog. Barking.
  
• Maxwell: The Geezer, all round lad, aspires to have Saskia's boobs in his face. Has yet to do much of interest, so he'll be in the house until the very end.
  
• Roberto: The handsome Italian who brought his own apron into the house and argues with everyone for no particular reason. He looks like he smells good, but I suspect he waxes his eyebrows.
  
• Sam: She's "the horny one" (as she likes to remind us repeatedly). Has a mouth like Jack Nicholson in Batman, which is slightly unsettling. Someone hid her makeup bag which led to a hissy fit because "it's got my lip gloss in it and EVERYTHING!"
  
• Saskia: Aspires to be a footballer's wife. Most likely to succeed.
  
• Science: He's a bad ass rapper from the streets (of Leeds) who enjoys throwing bins at Maxwell. Um, but it just slipped out of his hands by accident, innit.
  
• Vanessa: Apparently there's someone in the house called Vanessa, who claimed on her audition tape that she's "spontaneous" and "too loud". On the first occasion we actually see her speak, she spills the beans about who she is going to nominate and effectively voids the week's nominations - this week, everyone's up for eviction thanks to her. I suspect we'll never hear her speak again.