Thursday 27 September 2007

have you seen this woman?

Oh, Nigella. Where have you gone? Where is that wrong-side-of-35 curvy domestic goddess that I loved so much? The spoon licking...the smouldering glances at the camera...the rapturous noises you made as you stuffed your face with steak in front of an open fridge. I miss you! What's happened to you, my poor Nigella? What have they done to you? I was so thrilled about your new series, but when I tuned into your new programme, a vacuous Stepford wife stared blankly at me from the screen. She smiles throughout each episode, literally non-stop - even whilst eating, which is thoroughly disconcerting. She uses the word "express" at least three times each show, rides in a taxi to and from Waitrose to do her grocery shopping (which apparently only involves four items and she always seems to have exact change because she simply hands over the cash and glides away), and uses at least five adjectives to describe every recipe item.

Long gone is the voluptuous yummy mummy. Aliens have replaced her with a Happy Housewife Fembot. How else can you explain the need to pause during cooking to look into the lens to give the audience a wide-eyed, maniacal grin? What other reason could there be for chocolate mousse made with melted marshmallows? And why are we now being treated to tips on how to dress the table?

Please come back, Nigella. All is forgiven.

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