a day in the life
If Jack had a day planner...
07.00 - Wake up. Make cute singing sounds intermittently. Cough a few times to attract attention.
07.30 - Make loud crying noises if coughing does not attract sufficient attention.
07.45 - Breakfast. If cream cheese is served, ensure that a thin layer is applied thoroughly to all surfaces and exposed skin. Act surprised when Jasper snaps up any toast I've "dropped".
08.15 - Get dressed. Employ "wriggle and squirm technique" to prevent clothes from being put on successfully. If nappy is dirty, roll and crawl away quickly after it is removed. Alternatively, deploy the pee fountain.
08.30 - Begin daily investigation of the lower floor. Press every button on every machine located near the television and open all DVDs within reach. Ignore toys.
09.00 - Begin dog inspection. Examine dog's eyes with index finger and tug tail to ensure it is firmly secured. Chew on his toys to check flavour and durability.
10.30 - Rub eyes. Insist I am not tired.
10.45 - Continue to rub eyes. Scream in protest if put down for nap. Sleep despite protest.
11.30 - Carry on with ground floor inspection. Open every door and drawer in sideboard and empty cutlery tray. Hit television screen repeatedly. Remove all scatter cushions from sofas. Ignore toys.
12.00 - Lunch. Conduct experiment to verify how many fingers of a tuna sandwich will fit down the sides of highchair. Try to increase this number tomorrow.
12.45 - Place handprints on every glass surface two feet and lower. Lick all surfaces two feet and lower. Chew on sofa.
13.30 - Free time. Usually involves going somewhere fun (soft play centre with my friends) or dull (Tesco). Ensure that all time spent at Tesco involves practicing screamy voice and the game "Give Me Your Pen, Or I'll Have a Hissy Fit".
16.00 - Repeat nap protest from morning. Only fall asleep peacefully when it's not convenient, such as thirty seconds before pulling into the driveway.
16.30 - Re-check buttons in the vicinity of the television. Try to figure out how to dismantle surround sound system and record random programmes with Sky+.
17.30 - Supper. Create artistic sculpture out of bowl contents. (NB: Foods containing mashed potato work best for this.)
18.00 - Use daddy as a stepladder to dive head first off the back of the sofa. Try to acquire daddy's glasses and see if they can be bent into interesting shapes. Cajole daddy with desperately cute facial expressions for a shoulder ride. Ignore toys.
19.00 - Bedtime. If day has been satisfactory, sleep until the following morning. Otherwise, wake every hour on the hour, insisting that it's play time.