Wednesday, 30 March 2005

in the orwellian bin

There is a programme on BBC2 in which celebrities suggest pet hates that should be banned for all eternity to a big box known as "Room 101" (Tracey Emin suggested clowns, and I wholeheartedly agree). Although I'm not famous (yet - still working on that crime spree when I get enough sleep to muster up the energy), I have a few suggestions for Room 101:
Accolades for celebrities who shed "baby weight" abnormally quickly - "Victoria Beckham was pictured for the first time this weekend since giving birth last month — and looked astonishingly slender...she has already shed the pounds she put on while pregnant." [source] I read another article recently stating that she ensured she wasn't photographed during the last weeks of pregnancy because she was mortified that she had gained 2 stone (28 lbs.). Apparently she lost 1 stone immediately following the birth, but still wouldn't appear in public until the last stone came off. Poor, poor Posh. How awful for you, especially since 14 lbs. was 45% of your pre-pregnancy body weight. It's so fantastic that you're back to being frighteningly gaunt again. I really need a sarcasm font.
Wasps - They don't produce anything tasty like honey, they sting you for no good reason, and I'm allergic to them. They serve no purpose on my planet. Until they learn a useful skill, get rid of them.
Flyers - Please stop putting them through my door. A cheap photocopy isn't going to compel me to partake of your services. I need a sign above our letterbox saying, "Our house has been double glazed recently, we don't have any trees that need to be pruned, our driveway is already paved, and I'm not interested in hearing about your religion because I'm too busy beheading chickens whilst humming along merrily to Iron Maiden."
+1 Channels - Why is that every channel now seems to have a +1 version? For example, Discovery Home and Leisure has its regular channel and Discovery Home and Leisure +1. This is exactly the same programming, running one hour behind the regular channel. So, if you happen to only catch the end of a show, you can flip to the +1 channel and watch it in its entirety an hour later. Watching TV is like Groundhog Day; I feel like I'm reliving everything on television again and again and again and again and again...
Turbulence - We can put a man on the moon but we still have turbulent flights? Why can't we construct planes using the same technology as Steadicams? That way, planes could bounce around as much as they want and we'd never feel it. Get me to the patent office, pronto.
Coulis - It's fruit you've blitzed within an inch of its life in a blender, poured into an old ketchup squeezy bottle, and squirted around a dessert that tastes horrible with raspberry. Please stop.
Anything marked "resealable" - It never is; quit trying to trick us.

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