Blog From A Broad

it's highbrow, really

Oh yes, oh yes: Big Brother has returned! Some of you are excited as I am, some of you don't live in this country and have no clue what I'm talking about, and the rest of you are looking down your noses at this uncouth broad. I care not a jot; I like trashy television, peanut butter and jam sandwiches, Heat magazine, and buying shoes. Deep as a puddle, I am.

As is tradition, here is my summary of this year's housemates (in order of house entry - see if you can detect the logic behind this):

Bonnie: That's pronounced "bon-aaayyy", but must be pronounced "bonny" immediately after introducing herself to anyone, because no one can decipher her accent.

Pete: He's got Tourette's (no, really), but that's actually the least of his difficulties. He's more hyperactive than a toddler on Coco Puffs soaked in a triple espresso, and is more than just a little bit scary. We like him.

George: Claims to be posh and also claims to dislike very camp gay men.

Shahbaz: A very camp gay man.

Lea: A "35-year-old" (my eye) "model" (again, I direct you to my eye) who's had a little work done. Imagine if Dolly Parton and Pete Burns had a child, and you're pretty much there.

Imogen: A young looker and a former Miss Wales. No sign of artificial enhancement, but there's still lots of time for that yet.

Mikey: Model and software developer, which has got to be the strangest combination of occupations to date. He hates feminists and thinks women should "know their place."

Dawn: She doesn't like people. I think someone may need to sit her down and explain the Big Brother concept to her before things go horribly wrong. I vote her most likely to stab someone in the head with a potato peeler.

Glyn: He was voted the hottest lifeguard in North Wales, despite being built like a runnerbean.

Richard: Canadian, and I really can't apologise enough for that. He's a self-confessed "maneater" and goes for guys who are "big and dumb". Shahbaz almost wet himself when Richard entered the house. Richard looked frightened and moved away quickly.

Grace: Supposedly a Sloan Ranger, but is actually just a daft bird with rich parents and likes to shop. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lisa: Very, very chatty and hyper. I vote her most likely to be stabbed in the head with a potato peeler.

Sezer: That's pronounced "Ceasar" like the salad. The salad is actually a lot more interesting than this man.

Nikki: If Vicki Pollard lost about 6 stone, we'd have this contestant. Hmm Nikki...Vicki?

Let the fun begin.