it's scary out there

You know, I think the whole reason why I lost the will to blog is due to the fact that the Internet is now filled with SuperMegaBloggers. Bloggers who have books. Bestselling books. Hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers. Thousands of comments on each post. Bloggers who are sponsored and have dozens of flashy ads in their sidebars. Bloggers who have things for sale on Cafe Press. Slick design and squeaky clean templates. Photos taken with SLR cameras way out of my price range.

Which isn't to say that this is something I want for myself. I can't handle the pressure or the trolls*. It's just that it makes blogging for us little people a little more harrowing. How do you get read these days? Back in the olden days, people linked to you and you linked to other people and so on until everyone on the Internet knew each other and got together for gatherings in pubs. This little blog is lost in a sea of SuperMegaBloggers. No one knows who you are unless you become Big.

On the flipside, the other reason why I stopped blogging was because I was getting a lot readers. The pressure of trying to think of hilarious and interesting things to say was wearing. I kept having children. I got more tired by the day. My brain ran out of ideas.

So now that I'm getting a little more sleep and trying to get into the habit of writing regularly, I can do it without anyone really noticing. Maybe one day the readers will come back (how?), but I'm actually pretty much okay with wittering away to myself for the time being.

*(That would be Internet trolls, or people who are deliberately nasty to gain attention. Not trolls of the Harry Potter variety, because they're not real. Sorry.)

bleah

Horrible, horrible, grotty grey day out there today. I am so fed up with doing the school run in the pouring rain, particularly with a toddler girl who prefers to take her sweet time in inclement weather. But then when I'm feeling a little down and stressed, I think about that guy I saw today who spends the day spinning the stop/go sign around by the roadworks in town. That must really suck.

memories

Had one of my sleepless nights last night, and stayed up far too late reading old blog posts. Don't worry, I'm not having some sort of mental breakdown; I was working on the site and couldn't remember when I started blogging (on Blogger. I used to use Notepad and vanilla HTML because I'm hardcore, dudes.) I looked back to the very first post written over 10 years ago, and just kept going.

It's funny because it felt like I was reading someone else's diary. I talked about places I can no longer remember and people I've completely forgotten about. Some names weren't even familiar at all - I think they were other bloggers from many moons ago. What struck me most is how I used to blog. I blogged like no one was watching, which ten years ago was probably the case. I didn't really care if it was mundane or silly (mostly the latter), or how it compared to other blogs and conscious of maintaining some specific level of writing.

It was life before marriage and kids, when Paul and I first started dating and then when we started looking for a house. We went out a lot with friends and together as a couple, I was woken up by kisses instead of an alarm clock, we travelled. Paul cooked for me and we spent lazy days on his sofa in Northampton. I bought my first car. It feels like a lifetime ago, and not entirely my own.

The last post I read before going to bed was about securing our current house. Goodness, look how far we've come. Life changes, we grow up, the daily routine is something else entirely now, but what I want to get back again is the ability to blog like no one's watching. I don't think my life was particularly more exciting then compared to now, but there was a lightness and ease in the way I wrote that makes me think I've become too self-conscious. Self-conscious about what people will think, and about the quality of my writing. It's not really me anymore, and maybe that's why I stopped blogging regularly.

So yeah, I'm back - filling the Internet with drivel like it's 2002!

i enjoy being a (middle-aged) girl

There comes a point in a woman's life when you can no longer blame things on past pregnancies, particularly when your children are in high school or university. (True story. I have actually witnessed this logic.) For example, my youngest is now 2 1/2, which means this is now officially no longer Baby Weight. This has only become a recent revelation to me; there are a myriad of things I was blaming on pregnancy, when in fact, I think I'm just getting old. My theory is reinforced by the fact that every time I seek professional help for my medical woes, the answer is consistently: "Yes well, that just happens as we get older." It must be great to be a doctor with a patient who is over 40, because you can use this answer for pretty much anything without a lot of investigation. Increased and unexplained allergies? Ageing. Brittle hair? Ageing. Inability to see well in the dark? Ageing. Intense and irrational hatred of going to Tesco? Ageing.

I've come to the conclusion that the long list of health-related oddities I've been attributing to my post pregnancy body are more likely due to Becoming Older (or BO, as it shall now be known.) The foggy brain, inability to make decisions, oversensitivity, fatigue, and complete lack of short term memory hasn't stopped since my newborn became a toddler and her sleeping habits improved greatly. My periods are terrible not just because of the mood swings, but because every month for a week, I go through early pregnancy: heartburn, IBS, nausea, bloating, and insomnia. Because all of this has happened so gradually and time flies when you've got three kids, it's only now dawned on me. This isn't just BO, it's the beginning of The Change. From The Curse to The Change, all in the blink of the eye. Girls, enjoy your lives until age 11-16 because once you get your period, YOU ARE DOOOOOOMED.

I did a little online research, because why seek help from trained medical professionals when you can get instant Internt access to information available from hospitals, universities, and antisocial psychopaths who never leave the house? The data might not be accurate and every site leads you to believe you likely have cancer, but generally you can weed out the sensible articles from Wikipedia-esque. I learned that:

Women of all ages suffer from PMS, but it can be more of a problem at these times:

• After childbirth

• During your 30s and 40s

• During times of stress

PMS is often worse at either end of a woman's reproductive life, around puberty and before the menopause. [source]

Well, that's me all over. The solution? Don't get fat, exercise, avoid coffee and alcohol, don't eat sugar or fat, and sleep more. Well, that's me screwed. On top of all this, it's very likely that I've entered perimenopause. That's the decade or so before you actually go through the menopause, because the menopause isn't fun and hilarious enough on its own. The Mayo Clinic tells us that "Women start perimenopause at different ages. In your 40s, or even as early as your 30s, you may start noticing the signs." These signs being everything I listed in paragraph 2. Fantastic.

So where do I go from here? There's no test (or no test that's terribly useful) to determine whether or not you're going through perimenopause, and no treatment that doesn't involve taking pills or completely removing your internal lady parts. I'm going to try eliminating wheat completely (not that I eat a lot of it, but I don't totally avoid it in things like soy sauce, HP sauce, etc.), avoid caffeine at certain times of the month, and getting some weight off by avoiding sugars and grains. Running is also in the plan, mostly for my mental health - I loved that few minutes of peace and fresh air when I went out for a jog/walk/waddle. Maybe a little yoga too, because being bendy surely must do some good.

I can't fight mother nature (she obviously has no sense of humour and must be pretty sadistic to have come up with this whole reproductive life cycle thing), but I'll try to find something that will keep her at bay.

january, revisited

Hey look, it's that time of year again! Time to say to yourself, "Sweet merciful crap, back away from the Quality Street and mince pies before you implode." and make all sorts of plans for the new year. Judging by my Facebook feed, it looks like most of you have Get 2011 The Hell Over With as your main priority. I am genuinely sorry that it's been a tough year for a lot of my friends and family, and here's hoping that things get much, much better and easier.

So back in January, I made a list of things I wanted to work on for the year. My goals were:

• Stop sweating the small stuff.
• Get help (i.e. stop trying to do too much and accept help when offered.)
• Prioritise.
• Get back (i.e. do the things I used to do and love; make time for myself.)

I can't say that I've done remarkably well on any of these goals but hey, at least I made a nice list in tidy bulleted format. I still sweat the small stuff and I let insignificant things get me down. I think I've done a little better with the other three, specifically after giving up my day job back in April. While it's been weird to be "out of work" (don't even get me started on people's perceptions on what stay at home parents do with their time), it's been a huge relief not to worry about childcare and a pure joy to be able to attend a lot of school activities I missed out on before. Some days are really tough and I can actually feel my brain cells digging tiny tunnels to escape the insanity, but on the most part, it's been the best decision I've made. I still need to find my groove, though. And a hobby. (Preferably one that pays money.)

My goals for 2012 are:

• Purge and organise. I started working on this recently and it's been incredibly liberating. There is still quite a way to go yet, and I still have yet to find a way to keep myself organised.
• Make our home a sweet home. We aren't going to move for quite some time, so we need to sort out all the loose ends around here and make this a place we can really be happy with, at least for the next little while. Must. Get. Rid. Of. That. Floral. Wallpaper. In. The. Corridor. Gaaaaaah.
• Focus on my health. I don't just mean losing weight (which has been the albatross around my neck for decades now), but finding solutions for the small yet annoying health niggles I've been enduring for the past couple of years.
• Figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I might return to work, in some capacity, when Isla increases her hours at nursery in September. It might be tech writing again, or it might be something totally different. I don't know yet.
• Be creative. My soul goes numb when I'm not doing something creative, whether it's delving into the cobwebby part of my brain that used to do graphic design, making something, or figuring out how to do a rugby ball cake (true.) 
• Get "published". Doesn't have to be paid work (it likely won't be and will probably be an article online), but I need to write and it would be great to get a piece out there in the public domain. This is very much related to my last point.
• Buy as much London Olympic tat as possible. (Not really. Well, maybe just a little tat.)

Happy new year, everyone!

advent calendar

Are you on Pinterest? If you aren't, and you value your precious free time and already spend way too much time on the computer, then DON'T GO THERE. DO NOT ASK FOR AN INVITE. RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND. Otherwise, go check it out because it's fantastic fun and very addictive. I've come across several clever ideas recently, and have shamelessly pinched quite a few of them for the holiday season. First, there were the reindeer cupcakes:

Stolen from With Sprinkles on Top, with my thanks!

Maybe it's middle age and maybe it's motherhood, but I had to find an excuse to make these. My inner Martha Stewart demanded that I put down the gin and tonic and fashion cute cupcakes. As a bonus, they kept Mia occupied and happy, as she was put in charge of noses.

The second Christmas crafty endeavour was inspired by Craftastica and her recycle bin advent calendar. Although ours isn't nearly as tidy as hers, the kids enjoyed putting it together (despite all the fighting about things like stickers, the number of envelopes decorated, and who got to use the coveted glue stick.) The envelopes are made from parcel paper (I had a roll of it around, thanks to many years of sending parcels home to Mom and Dad), the main board is the side of a box I got from Amazon recently, the board is covered in cheapie wrapping paper, and the decorations are from various stores.

I'd like to think of it as "folksy".

I've been meaning to make our own advent calendar for years now, mostly because I'm too cheap to buy one. I had the idea last year to make one out of felt (how hard could it be?), but never got around to actually purchasing any felt. What I liked about the homemade/unfilled calendars is that you can put whatever you want inside. Sure the kids love their chocolate calendars from Grandma, but I love the idea of filling each pocket with things other than sweets or toys. Again, this is probably middle age talking and I'm doing something akin to handing out apples at Halloween. But I digress.

This is the list of stuff that will be a part of this year's calendar. I think - I hope - that as the kids get older, they'll come up with some ideas for their calendars themselves. This isn't about being smug or all like "Look at my perfect family, aren't we clever? Not like you. YOU SUCK." With three kids under the age of 7, I need to find things to keep them happy and occupied, especially after school and during holidays. If that means subjecting myself to crafting and things involving glitter, I'll do it. Otherwise, they will drive me utterly batshit crazy. Also, on a more positive note, I really like Christmas and having kids is a great excuse to get extra excited about it. Anyway, here is the list so far:

• Popcorn, hot chocolate, and movie night
• Make teacher presents
• Make a paper chain for the tree
• Make a gingerbread house
• Visit Frosts garden centre for Christmas fun
• Choose toys to donate
• Make a garland tree for the front door (another Pinterest idea!)
• Make salt dough ornaments (yeah, ditto.)
• Go out for supper
• Write letters to Santa
• Pancake breakfast (with Christmas cookie cutters)
• Cut out snowflakes for the windows
• Watch Santa videos
• Read letters from Santa
• Treasure hunt
• Game night
• Watch "Muppet Christmas Carol"
• Sing a Christmas song/make a movie for Grandma and Grandpa
• Buy a Christmas tree
• Watch "Elf"
• Read "The Stinky Sprout"
• Make Santa's cookies
• Read "The Night Before Christmas"
• Erm...maybe stick a toy in the envelope. I'm running out of ideas here.

you're entitled to my opinion

If you're on Facebook, you're probably more than aware of the changes that took place over yesterday (and strangely, the changes were present for some users for the past few weeks although no one I know recalls signing up for beta testing. But I digress.) You've also probably had it up to HERE with people talking about it, so I apologise for this post in advance. The day started with a lot of "WTF Facebook?!" statuses in my feed, progressing to expressions of anger and/or general annoyance. By the end of the day, dozens of graphics about Facebook made the rounds, clearly dividing those who were fed up and those who were fed up with all the people who were fed up. 

I was on the side of "WTF Facebook?!" as I struggled to understand the new layout and features. I wasn't bothered by the concept of change, it's the fact that the change was unannounced, seemingly without any user input (or consultation with anyone in the UI design industry), unintuitive, lacking in documentation, and largely unconfigurable. It simply made little sense. 

Having used it for a day now, I think I'm familiar with all the new stuff and slightly less vexed by it. I just have to be more mindful about commenting on anything (I now check that the privacy setting is set to "Friends of x" to avoid spamming the feed more than necessary) and I've enjoyed being taunted in the live ticker, thanks to crafty friends who realised that comments they post on certain friends' walls would show up in the feed. I understand that comments on "Public" and "Friends of friends" statuses and photos were always visible on your wall (not in your feed, as far as I can remember), but you could hide this activity and it would never appear on your wall. Now these actions are displayed in the ticker, and you can't do squat about it. Furthermore, I cannot get my head around the incredibly vague and seemingly random classification of subscription updates - what are "most" and "only important" updates? What parameter are they using to determine these categories, and how are we supposed to know what they are? From what I can gather, you need to go to every friends' profile page and select "All updates" to see everything they post. Otherwise, you get a lucky dip assortment of statuses that some bit of code has deemed feedworthy. No, really. 

The only documentation I've seen regarding the new changes is this rather terse page here: http://www.facebook.com/help?page=189712557768134 that doesn't really tell you how to do anything terribly useful. A friend posted a link to this video, which is far more informative (and not produced by a Facebook employee): http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1989051093764 This morning I saw a link on Mashable about further, rather ominous sounding changes brewing ahead for today. Fabulous. Unleash more amusing graphics!

At the end of the day, after the ten millionth status complaining about the new Facebook, the statuses and images telling us to stop our bellyaching began to fill up everyone's feeds (or on a less angry level, many people simply didn't understand what the fuss was about.) For me, the fuss was about rolling out a UI that's confusing with a lot of important issues that users aren't aware of. Facebook is free to use, but we are still their customers and without us, they don't generate revenue. With hot competition from sites like Google+, it's in their best interest to keep their users happy and to actually listen to user feedback.

In the larger scheme of things, changes to Facebook aren't going to ruin my life. But I think there's no excuse for being arrogant and lazy in the business world, and this is what I've been vocal about. Usability is a fundamental part of any web site, regardless of whether or not your visitors are paying customers. Write some docs, add some tool tips and online help, and I'll be a little more forgiving, Facebook.