Tuesday, 5 December 2006

one more time

I guess that night away for our anniversary did us more good than I realised - I'm pregnant again. While I'm very happy about it, I'm also terrified that it'll end in another miscarriage. I hate that the joy of being pregnant has been stolen from me and I feel almost detached from the whole thing. At the same time, I accept that things are out of my hands and I'm grateful that we have a two week holiday to help take my mind off the worrying. I will get a scan at 8 weeks instead of 12, which is a huge relief. I don't want an earlier scan or any other tests done before then because we lost our little one just before 8 weeks. Had we seen the heartbeat or had any other tests done before then, we would have thought everything was okay. Not knowing makes things easier in that sense, and 8 weeks isn't long to wait in the larger scheme of things. That's less than 2 weeks after we return from holiday.

So far, I've been feeling almost exactly as I did when I was pregnant with Jack. I feel like I'm constantly jet lagged, on the verge of getting a cold, and experiencing really bad hayfever. The nausea isn't as bad this time and my other symptoms are pretty much as they were with Jack. I find all of this strangely reassuring.

I have a load of posts sitting in draft form from my last pregnancy that I'll keep for myself and probably never publish. What I will share from those posts is this:
I'm far more relaxed this time, which is due to a few things: having been there/done that before, being too busy toddler wrangling to obsess over every little twinge and tingle, and knowing that things are pretty much out of my hands at the moment. It sounds dreadful, but I've accepted the fact that there's nothing we can do in the first trimester but wait until the 12 week scan. Worrying will do absolutely nothing to prevent something bad from happening, so I'm just letting the days pass as usual. I think that knowing this will be my last pregnancy makes quite a big difference, too. I am trying to enjoy every minute of it rather than stress because I don't have my head in the toilet (yet).

So I am going to enjoy every single second of this pregnancy because now I truly understand how precious it is. Just over 5 weeks to go before we face the first hurdle. God, do I ever need this vacation.

Monday, October 23
Just over 6 weeks along now. The day I hit 6 weeks, morning sickness found me and slapped me around real good. Imagine your worst hangover, triple it, put yourself in 88 degree heat with nothing but American restaurant food to eat, and you can imagine the level of hell I'm in. I was never this sick with Jack or my last pregnancy, so I think this is some sort of cosmic payback for the easy pregnancy I had with Jack. Blergh.

Friday, November 24
One month later and I'm kind of surprised that it's been so long. I think it shows how pessimistic/cautious/scared I am, and it's my brain's way of not getting too excited about things just in case something goes wrong. I've built an emotional wall around this pregnancy, and I'm too afraid to feel anything. What a horrible, sad way to be during a time that should be so special. It probably also explains why I've been feeling so rough: extremely nauseous, heartburn, pounding headaches, numerous digestive issues, fatigue, placenta brain, and just a general feeling of being unwell.

Time to be positive. We had our 8 week scan and we saw a little heartbeat flickering away.

The nurse said that my chances of carrying to term are now 90%, because we've seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks. The baby is measuring slightly ahead of schedule (just like his/her big brother), and it was a relief to pass that first milestone. We have nicknamed this one "Beanie Baby" because it looked just like a kidney bean on the scan. The NT scan is on Dec. 4 and if all goes well, this post will finally go public. It's been a very, very long and harrowing wait.

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