Lisa is a 30mumble-year-old technical author, mum, avid cook, extremely amateur veg grower, novice knitter, and closeted graphic designer, who enjoys referring to herself in the third person. [more...]

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Graphics created by me and Corel.

31 January 2006

feh


Back at work. Don't like it. Want to get Jack and go home now. Forgot to bring chocolate but it doesn't matter because I still can't taste anything. Wah.

[posted by: Lisa] --

30 January 2006

the return


Today is my last day of maternity leave. My last day of being a lady of leisure. My last day as a full time mum. My last day as a drain on society*. On the most part, I'm looking forward to returning to work because I really enjoyed my job. That and the fact that our cake Fridays have improved vastly since my departure, so I simply must return for that. On the other hand, it's going to be very, very weird to be without Jack for the entire day. What with all the dribbling, crying, mess, and tantrums that happen at the office, life probably won't be that different.

We met with the cleaning company guy today to get more details and book a thorough spring clean. Part of me feels slightly guilty for getting a cleaner. In my mind, only posh people get cleaners and they get driven around by people called James and send their children off to schools in Switzerland. In reality, several people I know have a cleaner and none of them also employ chauffeurs. I'm the type of person who will clean before the cleaner arrives, so that the cleaner doesn't think badly of me and my slovenly ways. I will refrain from doing this, but I did tidy a bit before the cleaning company guy arrived today. We are getting a very thorough clean before we get a cleaner in weekly, and I'm all agog. The thought of having someone else wipe down the kitchen cupboards, sweep away the metric tons of dog hair, and wash the food splatters off the floor makes me giddy. Most importantly, I didn't want to spend my precious free time with Mr Clean rather than my son.

So it's with a bit of anticipation and a bit of anxiety I return to work tomorrow. I imagine that most of the day will involve remembering passwords and trying to find out who nicked my chair. I will be working on a project called Avon which will make me...yes, you guessed it...the Avon Lady. Here's to being a working girl again and here's hoping I make it through the week without bursting into tears. I will need a lot of hugs and chocolate. And my chair.

*(Not entirely true - my gov't maternity pay ended six months ago.)

[posted by: Lisa] --

26 January 2006

random act of blogness


Today I have put all my thoughts through a blog randomizer; various bits running through my brain will appear here as part of this entry. *buzz whirr click!*

I threw an entire box of smoked salmon at a woman at Tesco today. It wasn't intentional, they fell on her as I tried to remove a packet from the box. I said to her, "I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to throw a box of salmon at you!" which sort of implied that had it been anything other than salmon, it would have been okay. Luckily, she was good-natured about it and I managed to finish my shopping without throwing any other food products at other customers.

I think my dog has taken up smoking. He keeps wanting to go outside and has developed a slight cough. A lack of opposable thumbs makes this a difficult habit to take up, however he may be receiving help from one of the cats who frequents our garden.

I'm finding Celebrity Big Brother difficult to watch. Don't get me wrong, I like trash television as much as the next person, but this year's series has been cringeworthy. I've had to watch most of it from behind the sofa between my fingers, particularly the "would you like me to be the cat?" episode. Note to Pete Burns: please put some clothes on. Brrrrrrrrrr.

I cannot taste anything right now, and it's really starting to piss me off. Take away the ability to breathe through my nose, give me a hacking cough, make my throat feel like I've gargled with a mixture of Pop Rocks and Jolt cola, but do not take away my ability to enjoy food. You bastards.

While visiting Jack's day nursery the other day, a little boy with big blue eyes toddled up to me and held up his arms, begging for a cuddle. My heart melted as I picked him up and brought him close to my face. That was the point at which he let out an enormous slobbery sneeze and unleashed a torrent of wet hacking coughs. I don't care what anyone says, being a parent doesn't make you immune from being grossed out by stuff like this. (NB Furthermore, I blame this child for giving Jack and I this hideous cold.)

Thank you. That is all.

[posted by: Lisa] --

14 January 2006

i'm it


The lovely and talented Ms. Laputain tagged me on this one, so here we go!

7 things to do before I die:
  • Go back to Italy and do a lot more travelling in general
  • Eat a deep fried Mars bar (Note to self: this may actually cause death, so remember to do this one last.)
  • Get a license to drive a manual car
  • Have another baby
  • Read all the books in my "to read" pile on my bookshelves
  • Learn a third language
  • Learn how to play the cello

7 things I cannot do:
  • Refer to list above ;)
  • Eat sprouts, pickled beetroot, and/or raw celery
  • Ski (bad Canadian - BAD!)
  • The splits
  • Whistle using my fingers
  • Open a bottle of wine with anything other than one of those corkscrews with the little arms
  • Remember anything from my high school algebra class

7 things that attracted me to blogging:
  • Knowing that every now and then, it would incite people to give me funny looks at the office the next day
  • The prospect of someone finding me by searching for "my nose is a carrot"* and other unrelated Google hits *(actual hit for this month!)
  • The hope that one day, someone will come up to me in the street and say "Hey, you're that blog from a broad lady! Please stop wasting valuable cyberspace with your idiotic ramblings."
  • Blogging means never having to email, phone, text, or speak to anyone you know ever again because they all keep up to date on your life via your blog. Think of all the time and money saved!
  • Because I can't find my diary and I can no longer write by hand.
  • To increase my chances of having my very own fan club, or at the very least, a crazed stalker.
  • Where else can you be eternally attractive and young but on the Internet? It's like the Blog of Dorian Grey.

7 things I say the most:
  • Jack, don't eat that!!
  • No, I'm not interested in double glazing.
  • Bullocks!
  • No, I'm not American.
  • Have you seen the...? (due to my goldfish memory, I have no recollection where anything in this house may be)
  • Was that you or the dog/baby?
  • What day/month/year is it?

7 books I love:
  • Flat Stanley (Brown)
  • The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew it Was None of His Business (Holzwarth)
  • Edible Woman (Atwood)
  • History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters (Barnes)
  • Amsterdam (McEwan)
  • Yes, I love all the Harry Potter books and I'm not ashamed to say so (Rowling)
  • Ulysses (Joyce)

7 Movies I love:
  • Fargo
  • My Man Godfrey
  • Star Wars series (minus Phantom Menace, which was just simply pants)
  • LOTR (all three of 'em)
  • Mystery Train
  • Au Revoir Les Enfants
  • The Matrix

If you'd like to play along too, please feel free to do so.

[posted by: Lisa] --

05 January 2006

what year is it again?


Happy new year! Gosh, what a year it's been. I like to start off each new year congratulating various celebrities for still being with us, so way to stay alive Bea Arthur and Dom DeLuise! That's showing 'em.

We had a truly fantastic time in Canada, and I'd like to thank the fine people who control the weather for making sure it wasn't horrifically cold. Note to the British: a temperature of -5C does not warrant a description of "bitterly cold" and 8 cm of snow shouldn't get front page headlines. Silly English. Speaking of which, I am about to become a silly English person as I embark on my journey towards citizenship. Let's see if I get my passport back before October.

Three cheers for: seeing the new Harry Potter film on an IMAX screen (it's like regular Harry Potter, only friggin' huge), seeing the wonderfully enchanting film "Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" (I ran out and bought the Narnia boxed set because I'm a sad nerdy girl), experiencing Montreal blanketed in soft fluffy snow, the millions of amazing meals we had (and only a 2lb gain to show for it), our very well behaved baby boy on both flights, and feeling all warm and fuzzy after seeing our friends and family.

Three jeers for: the grumpy lady at Canada customs who growled at me "Do you know anyone in Canada??" after looking at my Canadian passport (and for not finding it amusing when I said "Erm...my mother?"), the nasty American lady who had a go at me when she thought I was cutting into the queue at Heathrow passport control (I was trying to get to the "UK residents" queue, silly cow), the people at Avis car rental at Pearson, the lack of peanut butter M&Ms and Max Factor makeup in Canada, and the fact that everyone talks on their mobiles (without using hands free) while driving and this is still legal.

Although Canada is my homeland, it's really nice to be back in the UK. I feel very foreign when I visit North America now, which is a bit weird. I really can't imagine living there again, but of course I'll always love visiting.

After all, where else am I going to get dill pickle chips and Kraft Dinner?

[posted by: Lisa] --