Lisa is a 30mumble-year-old technical author, mum, avid cook, extremely amateur veg grower, novice knitter, and closeted graphic designer, who enjoys referring to herself in the third person. [more...]

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Graphics created by me and Corel.

31 May 2005

croak, frog, croak


I must say something about this crazy frog ringtone nonsense. I concede that blogging about how this creature is truly loathsome is as unoriginal as saying "Gosh that new Star Wars film sure is popular, eh?", but it's causing me great emotional turmoil.

For those of you outside of the UK, let me explain. Some of you may remember seeing a joke called "The Insanity Test" in around 2001. The "sound effect" used in this test has been paired with an animated frog and has been reincarnated as a mobile phone ringtone by an evil force called Jamster. You can download this and other such wacky ringtones for the ridiculous price of £3/week, which judging by the £10m profit this company has made, a lot of you are doing. Please. Stop it.

Not only do the ads for this ringtone play incessantly throughout all commercial breaks on every channel available, the fecking thing has actually beaten Coldplay to take the #1 spot in the charts this week. It's been released as a single mixed with the song "Axel F". No, seriously.

What really browns me off is the fact that I now have this goddamn tune running through my head and sometimes I actually find myself humming it. And for that, Jamster, I will never forgive you.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

27 May 2005

kids, just say no


Please note: today's post has been written under the influence of cold tablets and slight sleep deprivation. Apologies in advance for the lack of coherence, seemingly random sentences, and if I become delirious and this post suddenly turns into a recipe for guacamole.

Thank you SO much Auntie Beeb for ruining tonight's final episode of American Idol. I realise that it aired on Wednesday night in North America, but we don't get it here until tonight. Spoilers: they're not just for cars, you know.

The American Idol Incident (or AII, as I shall now refer to it) reminds me of my mother's habit of forgetting that we are usually 6 months to a year behind for most American television programmes. When they were here visiting a month ago, an ad for Nip/Tuck came on, showing a scene with the evil and fabulous "life coach" Famke Janssen. My mother says ***spoiler alert - don't hover your mouse here if you still haven't watched the season finale and it's still sitting on your Sky+ box***. The final episode didn't air here until last weekend. Imagine everything suddenly moving in slow motion and me going "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" She did feel bad about that, bless her.

The Cambridge Beer Festival ends tomorrow, and we're supposed to go and meet our mates for the afternoon. I'm not big on beer (I can hear Jim gasp in horror from here), but I love sampling one or two real ales and stuffing my face with local cheese. I have a cold, so I may not be able to go. This sucks. Hugely.

Peel and mash 3-4 ripe avocados, add one crushed clove of garlic, one chopped tomato, the juice of one lime, a handful of chopped fresh coriander, a few drops of Tabasco sauce or finely diced fresh red chillis, and season to taste. Ooops. Sorry.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

26 May 2005

the lightbulb over my head only has about 5w


I have just realised something. Have you ever been listening to the radio and wanted to rewind it to catch something you've missed? Well, you can if you listen to the radio through digital television and you have Sky+ or TiVo!

Yeah, yeah. I am getting out of the house, I promise.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

luck be a lady tonight


For the third time in the past week, a lovely automated American lady called me today to tell me - yes, ME! - that I've won a free trip! I mean, what are the odds that I would win not once, not twice, but thrice? In one week! Fantastic. I must run out and buy a lottery ticket.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

25 May 2005

technomama


My fabulously fantastic husband surprised me with the gift of an iPod the other day (engraved, even!). That's right, I was one of the three people in the western world who didn't have one. Local kids pointed and laughed at me. Fellow travellers would look at my iPAQ with distaste as I fumbled with the external hard drive so I could listen to 2 gigs of music for 90 minutes. Now, I'm super trendy because I got me one of them there newfangled iPods. Of course my playlist betrays my newfound ubercoolness, but as long as no one actually looks at what's currently playing, I'm good to go.

So what's the first accessory I buy for my iPod? A fancy dock? An FM transmitter? A wireless remote? Nope, I've ordered a red leather case. It matches my handbag. No, really, it does. What?

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

24 May 2005

further proof that any eejit can have kids


A three-year-old boy became trapped in a toy vending machine, after crawling inside to get a stuffed animal when his mother wasn't looking.

His mother was initially amused, and took photographs of her son, but became alarmed when no one could find a key.

Firemen freed the boy, but, his mother said, "he definitely didn't get a toy". [source]

Right, so your child can't sleep and it's 3:30 in the morning. You take him to WalMart because you believe that the bright fluorescent lights, big neon yellow signs, and the aisles upon aisles of cheap homewares will lull him to sleep. Your three-year-old ends up being quite a bit more intelligent than you by managing to create a diversion while he crawls into a vending machine. Instead of running for help, you leave your child and buy a disposable camera while onlookers take pictures. And the punch line?

"I'm pregnant," she said.

Oh my dear lord.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

22 May 2005

what's that? timmy's stuck in a mine?


It's Jasper's 2nd birthday today. We got him a couple of rawhide chews, a new plastic bed and fleecy bedding, and this chew toy:



Although he is generally a very intelligent dog, sometimes he does stuff like this:



He followed me around the living room like this, bumping into furniture the entire time. He's goofy, but he's all ours.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

21 May 2005

things that make you go "um."


I have just noticed that if you are only half paying attention, Yoda's voice sounds a lot like Patty and/or Selma from The Simpsons. "Homer a no good bum, he is. Leave him you should. Hmmmmm."

I just happened to be sitting by a computer when this thought struck me. It's posts like these that probably make you wish my Blog Amnesia would return. I do apologise.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

20 May 2005

alright, so


Have you ever experienced Blog Amnesia? This is when you're out and about (or "oot and aboot" as we say in the motherland) and suddenly you think of a really fascinating and hilarious topic to blog about, but by the time you reach a computer, you can't remember what it was. I have been plagued by this for over a week now. I really need to start writing things down or carrying around a small recording device ("Note to self: blog about this insightful topic when I get home").

On a completely unrelated topic, when you park in specially designated "parent/child" spots at your local supermarket, the term "child" does not refer to an offspring who is fully capable of getting from the car to the store without the aid of a pram or stroller. For example, your 11 year old son does not qualify as a "child" in this context, Mr. Took the Last Child/Parent Spot and Forced Lisa to Circle the Carpark Until Another Space Freed Up. I am very tempted to start a site called www.badparking.com and post pictures of people who park badly. Well, I would if someone hadn't already bought that domain name.

Normal service will resume as soon as I get over this bout of Blog Amnesia. Thank you.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

10 May 2005

now i can go on the dole!




I am now a permanent resident of the UK. I can work here without a permit, so this means that if my career as a technical author doesn't work out, I can work at Starbucks. It's a good thing I learned how to make frothy milk at Discreet (goodness, the picture on this page takes me back). I'm being flippant about it, but to be honest, I'm really pleased. When we had a round of redundancies in 2002, I was petrified at the prospect of losing my job. Since my arrival in the UK, all IT jobs have been removed from the "occupational shortlist" and are ineligible for work permits. In other words, if I lost my job I wouldn't be able to get another one in this country because my skills are no longer deemed "in demand". Now that I am a permanent resident, this is not an issue - and in today's market, it's good to have this sort of security. All for the bargain price of £325. Yerrs.

Coming in October: "They Let Canadians Have UK Passports?! They'll Just Steal Our Jobs and Women!"

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

09 May 2005

actual item may differ from photo shown


I sent a bouquet of flowers to my mom for Mother's Day yesterday via an FTD florist online with an address in Mississauga (where my parents live). I usually ring a local florist directly because you don't pay extra for FTD costs and because I had success with one of the local florists in the past. Of course I never jotted down the florist's information and now I can't, for the life of me, remember what they are called. So order online I did. And I wish I didn't.

The image on the left is from the Flowers N Us site, and the image on the right is a photo of the bouquet they actually delivered:



I paid more for a "deluxe" bouquet, which was supposed to be even more fabulous and exciting than the one in the picture. What makes this extra irksome is the fact that the site states: "The floral arrangement is designed to look like the picture, with an upgrade of either more flowers, or more expensive flowers -- filled to value as selected." Unless carnations have quadrupled in price recently, I'm not convinced that the arrangement they sent to my mom was worth the $57 (plus delivery) I paid for it.

I sent an email of complaint, although I'm not really sure what they will offer me in compensation, if anything. I think the problem is that most people who order flowers online will likely never see the delivered bouquet, and florists can do whatever they like with them. Paul experienced the same mishap with flowers he ordered online for delivery within the UK, so this seems to be an international phenomenon. Luckily, my camera-happy family takes pictures of everything; I got to see what I paid for. My advice: ring a local florist directly so you know who to chase up if you have any problems.

Bah.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

07 May 2005

maybe he's ordering two pints of milk


Is it my imagination, or has my son learned a rude hand gesture?

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

06 May 2005

quit stealing my thoughts


Worried doctors plan to ask Jamie Oliver to do a school dinners-style overhaul of hospital food. Junior doctor Eleanor Draeger, 30, wants the telly chef to expose the "woefully inadequate" state of NHS grub for patients AND staff.

She said yesterday: "Good nutrition is really important to healing. Our hospitals all have kitchens but the food is brought in plastic cartons and cooked to within an inch of its life." [source]


I wrote about hideous NHS food in February and requested the services of Jamie Oliver to sort it out. I'd get excited, but I found this in the BBC news archives:
Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is wanted by the government to improve the standard of hospital food. The Department of Health is looking to recruit top chefs to an NHS taskforce as part of its plan to have tastier menus for hospital patients by 2001. [source]


By 2001? I don't recall enjoying any trendy, pukka meals while I was in hospital. Unless Oliver has introduced recipes like overboiled pasta and tuna, stale bread with a slice of cheese, and instant mash into his repertoire, I think the Department of Health is a bit behind. However the same article states that "The government has set aside £10m to deliver its planned improvements to NHS food over the next 10 years", so perhaps there's hope for this yet. Still, I don't think we need top chefs to come up with decent food for our hospitals. Hell, give me £10m and I'll create dozens of menus for the NHS. I'll even cut them a deal and do it for the low, low price of £9m. I can work on this while I'm on maternity leave. I eagerly await my invitation and big fat cheque in the post.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

05 May 2005

the little one stopped to tie his shoe


So the other day, we noticed a couple of ants hanging around our kitchen. They weren't really causing any trouble - they hadn't figured out how to generate a large mountain of dirty dishes and didn't leave nearly empty containers of milk in the fridge, so we didn't think much of it. Then the ants brought a few of their friends around. Although they still weren't as bad as houseguests who drink your orange juice directly out of the carton, they were starting to become annoying. I resorted to flicking the ants around my kitchen with a teatowel yelling, "Get off of my counter, you bastards!!" but to no avail. Today, I came home to discover a long line of ants marching from the skirting board to our olive plant and back:



They are keeping to a nice neat line and off my countertop, but what's really annoying is the fact that their neat line skirts directly around the ant trap we set down last night. Whatever substance that is supposed to be irresistibly alluring in the ant trap is having absolutely no effect on these little buggers. Don't get me wrong; I like nature. Just get it the hell out of my house.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

03 May 2005

an open letter to the television channels i watch


Dear head honchos at various networks,

I am writing to beg you to remove the following commercials from your channels:

  • Comfort fabric softener: Maybe it's got something to do with my fear of puppets, but please, for the love of god, get these diabolical things off my television:

  • esure insurance: Michael Winner in drag. Words fail me.
  • KFC "singing" ads: All of them make me cringe, but the latest one with the telephone operators singing with their mouths full just makes me queasy.
  • Airwick "art gallery" ad: It's badly dubbed and I can't get over the fact that the piece of "art" that gets smashed is one of those glass blocks you put in bathroom windows (which probably explains why no one seems fazed when it's replaced by an air freshener).
  • Daz laundry detergent: It was bad enough when these ads featured Julian Clary, but the current fake soap opera series is unbearably awful.


Thanking you in advance,
Lisa Durbin

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

01 May 2005

electrical storm


I woke up at 3am in a daze (nothing new there, really), trying to decipher the meaning of the flashing lights and low rumbling sounds outside. It took my brain a few seconds to realise that it was a storm, because it was an odd one. Lightning flashed all around us, constantly, like a thousand paparazzis outside Britney's rubbish bins (apologies for that appalling analogy, but I'm tired and that's the best I can do). It wasn't the usual flash of lightning followed by thunder a few seconds later, white bolts raced across the sky non-stop for several minutes while thunder roared in the background - and it wasn't raining. Eventually, the rain came and the storm continued on its way to confuse other people in the middle of the night. The dog didn't seem too bothered about it and Jack slept through the whole thing, and there's nothing about it on the BBC news site today. Regardless, I was mighty impressed.

Despite all the drama, the daytime weather has been fantastic. We had our first al fresco meal last night, which included my first taste of venison (it was delicious and no, I don't care that I ate Bambi), and sausages from our local farmer's market. It lifts my heart seeing the garden "done up" in anticipation of another summer; dolled up with fairy lights, the chiminea, torches, and a big green parasol. Bring on the margaritas.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --