girls are weird.

26 April 2005

sucks to be you

How to park really badly and generally be a complete asshole in 7 easy steps:
1. Drive to a private hospital in Cambridge to visit your friend/relative.
2. Notice that the parking lot is full.
3. Locate a row of cars that are parked properly.
4. Park your car (or minivan) like this:

5. Go into the hospital and don't bother to tell the receptionists that you've blocked two cars in.
6. Offer a halfassed apology to the woman and her two month old baby who are standing by the car you've blocked in, and who have been waiting for a half an hour while receptionists rang every area in the hospital looking for the idiot owner of a badly parked Vauxhall.
7. Shrug and look perplexed when said woman's husband uses colourful language to describe your lack of common sense.

A pox on you.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

25 April 2005

your questions answered, #37

Since I've been having a gander at my stats for this month, I thought I'd answer a few of the pressing questions that have led to my site. Does Google go to this sort of trouble? No. It doesn't even send you a card on your birthday. Neither do I, but that's not really the point.

how to get a dog to go into a car
In our experience, this involved the following:
1. Tap the open boot/trunk of the car repeatedly with your hand and gently coax the dog into it verbally (it's a hatchback, don't call the RSPCA).
2. Put treats in the boot and repeat tapping/coaxing.
3. Place the dog's front paws on the boot. Keep tapping and coaxing.
4. Select a few choice swear words to utter when the dog removes his paws and wanders off to sniff the hedge.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 for a week.
6. Fold the back seats down flat, climb on top of them, open the boot, and call the dog while waving a treat at him.
7. Repeat step 6 for about three weeks until the dog finally decides that being in the car isn't terrifying and actually enjoys it.
8. Start at step 1 again after you take your first long car ride to see your in laws, and the dog figures out that you're not taking him to the park for a walk, you lying bastard.

find a good restaurant to go out to eat at for my birthday
You are far too lazy to deserve a nice meal for your birthday. I suggest that your friends ring your doorbell, throw stale McNuggets at you, and run away.

what pills combined with cheesecake can kill you
Never, ever, ever eat cheesecake after you've consumed an entire package of Sudafed non-drowsy. Otherwise, you're good to go.

what are some of the changes that happens when a goat gets pregnant
She'll likely back away from you whenever you go out to the fields with "that look" on your face.

why does my dog nibble on my ear
Because he really likes you.

And a list of my favourite kind of search strings, entries that seem like random snippets of conversation:

he pigged out on baby back ribs (That's the last time you offer to pay for dinner at Chili's.)
jetsons here we come! (Yay!)
just play nuts (As opposed to work nuts?)
my baby hiccups too much during pregnancy (Bad baby! Bad!)
my liver hurts when i sneeze (I don't even know where my liver is, so well done to you for feeling it, you clever clogs.)
picture of a duck and a waffle (Words fail me. And yet, I am intrigued.)
pictures of my friend paul (Paul wanted me to tell you that he's not really your friend; he's just nice to you to be polite. Sorry.)
she's got nuts (Did she feature in "The Crying Game"?)
stinky bare feet photos (How on earth do you show that feet are stinky in a photograph? Stink lines?)
the best puppy in the world named rustle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That's fab, but I bet he's really called Russell and thinks you're a bit dim.)

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

24 April 2005

everyone's doing it

I admit, I have written a lot of blogs in my time. Most of them were created for personal reference, although it's certainly a bonus if someone else finds them useful or interesting. For example, the wedding blog was directed at friends and family, and maybe anyone getting married in the area who wanted to know about local suppliers. If someone else happened to enjoy it, grand. Was it meant to be riveting reading for the general public? Not really. Same goes for the dog blog, and it is this particular blog that has been pointed at and laughed at on occasion. You cyberbullies.

Taken out of context (i.e. without seeing my main blog and realising that it's one of a few "minor blogs" linked from it), it does seem slightly pathetic. From my referrer logs, I've seen people describe it as another "look at this saddo who'll blog about anything" site. While this may be true (about all my blogs, really), I don't think it's fair to dismiss it entirely. I put it there for those who know us and wanted to see pictures of Jasper, and for those who have dogs themselves and may have encountered some of the issues that we have - and just to keep a personal record of some of Jasper's more entertaining habits, because I have a mind like a sieve and will forget these over time.

This site says:

"Blogs have been around for nearly a decade, but in 2004, they seemed to explode. Everyone, and her dog, has a blog. Please see Jasper, a black Labrador's blog if you don't believe me. And that's just one of thousands of hits Google shows. There are cat, parrot, rabbit, etc. blogs. If you can think of a subject, there's probably a blog for it."

Although this quote doesn't necessarily infer that my dog blog is pathetic, I think it misses the point. Yes, it's a blog about my dog, but I don't write entries like: "Hello, I'm Jasper. Today I ate some grass, hoarked it back up again, and then licked myself for several minutes. Come back tomorrow and see what else I've been up to!" That would be sad...and slightly terrifying. So is it another useless blog in a sea of other useless blogs? Probably. But please don't laugh it off as something it's not. Laugh at it because my HTML and CSS skills are a bit rubbish, and because I haven't updated it in ages.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

21 April 2005

apply ~~know~~ now

Spotted this morning in an email looking for a technical author:

Idealpeople, a specialist IT security recruitment consultancy, are delighted to be working with yet another white night [sic] of the IT industry.

Please note: CVs with any "mistakes" in spelling, punctuation and prescriptive "grammar" will not be considered.

However, mistakes in the ad for the job itself are perfectly acceptable.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

19 April 2005

gang bangers/drive-by porking

"I feel very sorry for him - it must have been an incredibly lucky or unlucky shot to get the sausage through a moving car window." [source]

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

maybe i can just put a large dropcloth over everything

My parents are flying in tomorrow from Toronto. Would anyone like to come over and clean my house? I can pay you in chocolate and/or wine. Please apply in person by 5.00 today, and bring several dozen Swiffer sweepers*. Thank you.

*(I love how you can select "Canada English" from the drop-down list of languages on this site.)

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

18 April 2005

heck's kitchen

Tonight we are being treated to a new series of "Hell's Kitchen", but it's a little bit different. Instead of z-list celebrities, two teams of regular schmoes like you and me are trained to be chefs. Oh, and this time, it's not foul-mouthed, bad-tempered, but somehow still lovable Gordon Ramsay as the fearless leader, it's Gary Rhodes and Jean Christophe Novelli. That's right, Mr. Gary "watch me peel this asparagus and place it preciously on the plate like I'm displaying fine jewellery on black velvet" Rhodes.

The best part about the first series was the temper tantrums (from pretty much everybody) and Ramsay's priceless one liners. He said that "Edwina Curry is like a granny that won't die", and when she refused to take part in one task, he told her "You're shagging us like you shagged the prime minister". Plus, he made Belinda Carlisle cry, and that's got to be worth a couple of television awards. What's Gary Rhodes going to do, throw perfectly carved radish rosettes at contestants in mild disgust?

Yeah, I'll still watch it anyway.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

14 April 2005

all apologies

On The Simpsons the other day, Bart gets put in a "remedial" class and is greeted by his fellow pupils. One says to him, "I'm from Canada, so they think I'm slow, eh?" I think I sprayed tea all over myself, and possibly let out a snorty noise while laughing. Then it struck me, why do Canadians say "eh"? And we do, don't deny it. I know we don't say it as often as Americans think we do (ever heard Bruce Willis pretend to be Canadian in "Day of the Jackal"? Lord help me.), but we do say it often enough to make my English spouse point it out and giggle. It's like saying "eh" is our way of seeking approval for being brazen enough to speak. It's the short form of, "Nice weather, and please do forgive me for initiating conversation with you without asking first and I sincerely hope I haven't offended you in some way." We can't simply make a statement, because that would be presumptuous. We need to confirm that it was acceptable to have made the statement, with an air of apology just in case. Ever said sorry when someone stepped on your toe? Case in point; we are an apologetic people.

We need to be more assertive so that other countries stop beating us up for our lunch money. I think Canadians should start a new trend of only making statements, even if we're intending to pose a question. For example, "You want fries with that." This forces the other person to confirm or deny this statement, and you don't end up looking like a grovelling wiener. Of course we should only use this method of communication with individuals from other countries. That way, it would still be acceptable to be polite to other Canadians, but the rest of the world would see us as a confident, awesome superpower.

Or not. I'm sorry.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

12 April 2005

behold our awesome power

My friend Susan gave birth this morning to an 11 lb. 4 oz. boy - on gas and air only. To put this in perspective, Jack weighs about 1 lb. less than him, and he's 7 weeks old. How Susan managed not only to carry him around in her belly and then push him out herself is beyond me. Aren't women amazing?

Congratulations Susan, Micky, and big brother Aidan on the birth of Dylan William! Jack looks forward to meeting his new playmate and Jasper looks forward to ~~slurping~~ cleaning Dylan's face.

More babies! More! (But not from me just yet - I'm a bit tired.)

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

11 April 2005

so...

Did anyone watch the royal wedding on Saturday? Me neither.

Did anyone make jokes about Grand National horses and Camilla? Me too.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

08 April 2005

i bet they'll have fruitcake

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will acknowledge "sins and wickedness" at their wedding blessing...Prince Charles and the new Duchess of Cornwall will read the act of penitence which is worded: "We acknowledge and bewail our manifold sins and wickedness, which we, from time to time, most grievously have committed, by thought, word and deed, against thy Divine Majesty, provoking most justly thy wrath and indignation against us." [source]

This makes the words we exchanged at our wedding ceremony seem like Petula Clark lyrics. Are they going to flagellate themselves after they exchange rings? Should they dunk Camilla into the Thames to see if she's a witch? (My vote: yes.) Good grief, it's a couple of middle aged divorcees getting hitched at the town hall. I'm sure Charles can still carry out his duties as our country's king without repenting sins we've all known about for over a decade. Ribbons can still be cut, shopping malls declared open, medals bestowed on his subjects, and I'm certain people will still buy his organic oatcakes. I know I will; my Dad loves them.

Just in case I'm ever deemed incapable of being a mother and technical author because I haven't made any such declarations of penitence before marriage, I will make a statement here, to you, my faithful readers. I, Lisa, fully admit that I have done some naughty things that I now hereby repent. I confess to the following naughty things:
-When I was 10, I stole an Aero chocolate bar from Boots in Burlington, Ontario. I only did it because my friend Linda was a bad influence and convinced me to do it, and it wasn't even a king sized bar or the minty variety.
-I lied about my weight on my driver's licence. (Canada only)
-On a credit card application, I stated that I lived at a particular address for two years when I had only been there for one. I just couldn't be bothered to fill out a third address to provide my housing information for the past three years.
-I snuck in to see "Monty Python's Meaning of Life" and "Videodrome" before I was 18.
-I have resorted to walkthroughs to get through difficult parts of computer games.
-When I was a vegetarian, I ate pepperoni. It was by mistake, but I liked it.
-I once told someone that something they made was really yummy, when in actual fact, I wasn't that keen on it.

I'm really, really, really sorry. Please vote for me on May 5. Thank you.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

07 April 2005

the happy housewife

I ran through my mental inventory of things I wanted to get done today: tidy up the kitchen, get the chicken marinated for dinner tonight, feed Jack and give him a dose of antibiotics, and do some laundry. I thought about making an appointment to get my hair cut, and what sort of snacks to whip up next week for the girls from our antenatal class. I made up a small batch of the soup I want to serve on Saturday to Gary and Ruth; it's a new recipe and I wanted to test it out first (it's good!). I accepted a parcel for the neighbours across the road because they weren't in.

Today, it hit me: I am a housewife.

Now before a gang of angry stay at home mothers show up at my door, I want to make it clear that I don't think there's anything wrong with being a housewife. My mother is one and her mother was before her. I just never imagined that job description would apply to me one day. I no longer have any deadlines, I can get things done during the day, and I don't spend my evenings thinking about documentation I need to work on the following day. I've been on maternity leave for just over two months now, and I've only just stopped wondering what's been going on with the product I worked on, and if I left things in a manageable state.

You know what? It's kind of nice to be a housewife. My days are filled with a new kind of busy and a different world of responsibilities. I thought I would feel a bit depressed about life away from the office, but surprisingly, it ain't half bad. I have to run - I have an urgent meeting with a young client who requires assistance with a nutritional matter.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

06 April 2005

another top tip

Reason why having a dog is good if you have a baby #73:
Need a dog bed? Need a baby gym? Just buy one and use it for both!

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

03 April 2005

today's top tip

Reason why having a dog is good if you have a baby #35: less baths for junior

Slight disadvantage: baby may not be terribly enthusiastic about this method

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --