Lisa is a 30mumble-year-old technical author, mum, avid cook, extremely amateur veg grower, novice knitter, and closeted graphic designer, who enjoys referring to herself in the third person. [more...]

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Graphics created by me and Corel.

30 January 2005

take this job and...hold it for me, please


Friday was my last day of work for the next year, and it was slightly surreal to pack my things and say goodbye. I've never left a job to come back to it again at a later point, so I must be careful not to say things like "I've always wanted to tell you what an enormous prat I think you are" or leave rude words hidden somewhere in the online help files I've just completed (I didn't - don't bother looking). My teammates joked that I would be blamed for anything that went wrong simply because I would be absent (alternatively, we would also blame the contractor just for fun). Former teammates of mine will fondly remember the "Colin: He Didn't Give it His All" chapter in our lives that probably still goes on to this day. Poor Colin had the misfortune of quitting his job, thus being the scapegoat for every mishap that followed. Missing files? Tsk, that Colin. Typo in a manual? I bet it was Colin. The Greenhouse Effect? Damn that Colin. And so on.

I have to say, considering that I work in an office that is almost entirely populated by men (software engineers at that), I was surprised when I received numerous emails, comments in person, and phone calls from workmates who were genuinely excited about the upcoming birth and wanted reassurance that I would take this time off to relax. We got a very generous amount of gift vouchers for Babies R Us and an incredibly cute outfit for the baby (denim overalls and top). It was only just over four months ago that these same people chipped in for our wedding presents, and I was the third woman to go on maternity leave in the span of six weeks; I was expecting an envelope full of buttons, a few paperclips, and a couple of used Post-It notes at the very most. I was really touched at everyone's generosity and the kind parting words.

So the contents of my desk now sit in a box on the dining room floor. I am now officially a Domestic Engineer/Lady of Leisure. I am thrilled about being able to do whatever I want without having to schedule anything around my work week. I am relieved to have met all my deadlines and to not have to look at that fecking administrator's guide anymore. I can get caught up on all those books on my "to read" shelf, all the DVDs of films I meant to see in the cinema but never got around to, and finally go to our local farmer's market I've been meaning to check out for months (it only happens on alternate Fridays from 10am-2pm). Then I begin an entirely new life as a Mum.

And away we go.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

26 January 2005

casting


I am tickled pink that Audrey Tautou has been selected to play Sophie in the film "The DaVinci Code". I fell in love with her when I saw "Amelie" and I'm pleased to see that she's been cast in this film, along with Jean Reno as Fache. I'm not too sure about Tom Hanks as Langdon, though. I imagined someone more "rough around the edges", but I don't know who I would have cast in this role instead. Suggestions?

I have very rarely enjoyed film versions of favourite books ("The Shining" is one of my exceptions), so I'm a bit concerned about how well "The DaVinci Code" will translate to the screen. I think it'll still retain the excitement from the plot twists and puzzle-solving, but will lack most of the background information such as the history of Opus Dei and the interpretations of DaVinci's works.

Who will play Silas? Or Teabing? Or Remy? Oooh the anticipation! Yes, I have no life.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

24 January 2005

feathering my hair as i type this


Saw this elsewhere, it made me giggle, it's undoubtedly made the rounds a bazillion times, it probably won't make sense to those outside of North America, but I'll post it here anyway.

YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF...

You wore a rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves, and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.

You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamil" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy.

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny
shredded outfits.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
The swing set tipped over at least once.

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.

You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals. You also had a pair of salt-water sandals.

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.

Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, BlueberryMuffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend.

Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day. Damn you!

YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!

It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick
God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape
player up to the speaker.

You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books.

You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.

You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat. You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album.


I suppose now would be a good time to admit that I had a Charlie's Angels lunch box, a Shaun Cassidy pillowcase, Smurf stickers on my rollerskates, and posters of Scott Baio and Ralph Macchio on my bedroom wall. Ooooh I feel all cleansed now.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

haul out the toboggan*


It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! Okay, so it's not actually staying on the ground, but it's snowing! In this part of the country, we get our one "big snowstorm" every January. This usually involves around 2 inches of snow, roads coming to a standstill, people abandoning their cars at the side of the road, and me spending a lot of time giggling and saying "You call THIS a snowstorm?!" I miss the snow, I don't care how crazy you think I am for saying such a thing. I don't miss four months of winter and -35C temperatures, but I do miss the snow.

Um. Now it's stopped snowing. Never mind. Move along, nothing to see here.

*Interesting point, did you know that according to Merriam-Webster's that the origin of the word toboggan is from "Canadian French tobogan, of Algonquian origin; akin to Micmac tobagun drag made of skin"? Who knew!

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

21 January 2005

too busy


There are many things I cannot be arsed to make, two of which are bread and pasta. Although these are two of my very favourite foods, I can never bring myself to make my own. You can buy fresh pasta at any supermarket these days, and if you've got a decent bakery you can get your hands on a good loaf of bread quite easily. I just don't see the point in going to all the effort of mixing, kneading, and rolling. Go on, convince me - I'll soon have some free time on my hands. What is the advantage to making my own bread and pasta? (Pizza dough doesn't count; I do make my own.)

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

20 January 2005

road warrior


Here's my top tip for those of you who venture out of your houses on bicycles - learn the road rules and/or read the Highway Code. Last night, I followed a guy on a bicycle who made the following mistakes in a distance of roughly 1/4 mile: instead of using the overpass specifically built for pedestrians and cyclists, he followed the traffic over the ancient and narrow bridge that is barely a car width wide (any of you who crossed this bridge to get to our wedding venue will know which one I mean), he then decided to cycle in the middle of the right hand lane (the road goes into two lanes after the bridge), cut across to the left hand lane and turn without signalling, and to top it off, had no lights on his bicycle and was wearing black.

Don't get me wrong, I am not an angry motorist who loathes anything on two wheels. I used to cycle into work every day and absolutely loved it, but I was constantly amazed by how many people have no clue how to ride safely. I've seen people go the wrong way on roundabouts, cycle down pitch black paths at night with no lights, cycle 2 or 3 abreast down busy city roads, ride on sidewalks/pavements, and cycle on the shoulder of the A14 (a busy dual carriageway with a 70 mph speed limit).

When I was a cyclist, I almost got hit by cars and other cyclists numerous times. When I had my scooter, cars used to pull out in front of me because they didn't "see" me (regardless of the fluorescent yellow safety belts I wore over my jacket). As a motorist, I've almost been hit by other cars, vans, cyclists, motorcycles, and various less intelligent furry and winged creatures. It's obvious - everyone is a crap driver except for me and they should be forced to take a road test every six months. Hmph.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

19 January 2005

shameless


I watch every episode I can of "Desperate Housewives", "Celebrity Big Brother", "ER", "Nip/Tuck", and "Battlestar Galactica". I don't read newspapers (unless you count The Sun online, but that's only so I can send amusing articles to PaulG), watch the news on TV, or listen to talk radio. I think exercise is bad for you; it causes injuries and forces us to witness sweaty people in Lycra. I don't eat five portions of fruit and veg a day. I have a subscription to Heat magazine. The books I've read over the past two years would never appear on anyone's academic reading list. The last film I saw in a cinema was "Shrek 2". I eat cheese singles (AKA Fake Plastic Cheese) at least twice a week. I don't own an iPOD. I don't mind if wine comes in a box (don't knock Banrock Station). I eat ice cream directly out of the carton. The only organic food I consume is produced by Green and Black's. I never floss. I usually can't answer any of the blue, yellow, or orange questions in Trivial Pursuit.

Does this make me uncouth, uncultured, and unhealthy? Probably. Does it make me feel guilty? Not one bit.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

16 January 2005

eat drink man woman (and children)


Melanie suggested that we meet up for dim sum today, and I think I can speak for everyone at our table when I say thank you and "Again! Again!" We went to Charlie Chan's on Regent Street in Cambridge and sat around a large table with a lazy Susan (not referring to our friend Susan, who is most definitely not lazy). You are given a menu on which you put a quantity next to the items you want to order, the waiters whisk it away and then proceed to bring out dishes upon dishes of food. Steamers and plates and bowls filled with dumplings and rolls and buns, oh my. If you are still hungry, they will bring you another sheet for you to fill out and even more food will appear. We had several types of prawn and pork dumplings, pork buns, sticky rice with "assorted meat", spring rolls, veggie rolls, veggie dumplings, crab dumpling soup, beef dumplings, rice with chicken and Chinese sausage, and finished the meal with steamed and fried custard buns.

Damn, it was good.

I haven't had dim sum since I left Montreal. We had brunch at a fantastic place in Chinatown (the name escapes me, sadly) that looks like the lobby of a hotel. The staff wheel trolleys by you throughout the meal and you select what you want. I went with my friend Kitty (a Hong Kong native) and instructed her to make sure I didn't end up ordering anything involving chicken feet. It was absolutely delicious and I was a bit worried that today's lunch would pale in comparison. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I thoroughly enjoyed Charlie Chan's and would go back in a heartbeat.

I love being able to sample a variety of dishes during a meal, rather than consume one plateful of a particular item. Tapas and dim sum are brilliant for this (even a decent buffet makes me happy). When we have friends and family over for lunch, we tend to put out several different dishes on the table like cheese, salads, dips, meats, breads, and olives - and everyone always remarks that this is their favourite type of meal. Don't get me wrong, I could bury my face in a plateful of pasta and be perfectly happy with a dinner like that, but there is something about the sharing of food with a table of friends that's a wonderfully unique experience. Casually nibbling on bits of food, pausing to converse, instead of shovelling a plateful into your gob before it gets cold. Fantastic.

Of course now that it's two hours later, I'm hungry again.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

14 January 2005

crash


On the way to work this morning, I witnessed a car accident for the first time. I've been in one myself, but of course that's entirely different. Two cars decided to overtake/pass a lorry/truck at the same time, causing the car in front to swerve back into her lane. Somehow she ended up being hit by the guy behind her and crash into the back of the lorry, and spun several times before getting wedged in a ditch at the side of the road. We were around four cars behind her, and everyone stopped and pulled over to call for help and make sure whoever was in the car was okay. She seemed to be okay; she had a cut on her head but she was conscious and alert. Paul had to stick around to give a statement to the police and I sat in the car and watched the firemen try to pry open her door (they went through the passenger side, in the end).

It was a strange event. Seeing something happen through a windscreen makes it feel like you're watching it on television, it's very surreal. I've seen the aftermath of a few crashes, but not as it happened. It's a horrible feeling not knowing if someone's been seriously hurt or killed and knowing that you saw the whole thing happen. Horrible.

Sorry, I don't mean to be such a downer on a Friday afternoon. To lighten the mood, I present to you a Concentration Game for Men, courtesy of Gary. Warning, contains boobies.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

13 January 2005

your questions, answered (part 4)


It's time again to answer the queries of the general public, who took the time to type their questions into a search engine. I like to help when I can; I'm generous like that.

For the month of January, here is a selection of the queries and search strings that have led to this site:

what is wrong with joaquin phoenix's shoulders? I was curious about this one too, so I Googled for it. Unfortunately, the only information I could find was that Joaquin Phoenix has a cleft lip scar. Which has nothing to do with his shoulder. Sorry.
did you know you went over your macaroni minutes yesterday? Oh my god, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
pringles made me ill My advice: don't eat them. No, thank you.
what happens don't take your decorations down by twelfth night? Horrible, awful things will happen. Things beyond your worst nightmares. Things involving elves and reindeer antlers. I've said too much already.
what does it mean if my boyfriend doesn't buy me a christmas present? Perhaps he is taking a stand against the commercialism of Christmas by refusing to purchase anything. Or maybe he's just a bit of a cheap wanker.
when to use a snowblower Um. When it snows? *shrug*
why is lisa in such a bad mood? I am not in a bad mood. Now feck off and bring me chocolate.
how heavy is the cn tower? VERY heavy. I strongly advise that you do not attempt to pick it up. If you do, please ensure that you lift with your legs and not your back.
i'm marge simpson and now i'm going to go snort some coke That's great, Marge. Thanks for letting us know.
da na na nut nut nut nut nut Okay Marge, that's enough now.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

10 January 2005

it's a sign of the apocalypse


It really does make my heart sink to see Germain Greer taking part in this year's Celebrity Big Brother. Although she has come up with some choice lines and snappy comebacks, I just have to wonder what would possibly compel her to do a programme like this. Is she that hard up for money and publicity? Is she desperate for attention? Is she looking for love? Such a sad state of affairs.

[posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

06 January 2005

it is 'cos i'm cool?


Via Steve, it's my first meme for 2005. Gosh!

Comment on this post and I'll post one reason here why I think you're cool. If, like me, you haven't been cool since the mid 80s, this is a great opportunity to feel less like a 30-something dork and more like that uberdeep artiste you were in high school. Or thought you were, anyway.

  • Adrian is cool because he's not afraid to jog in public wearing a Santa hat. Only someone secure in their own coolness would trot around Hyde Park like that.
  • Stroppycow H is cool because I think she's my long lost twin. My fantasy football/soccer team was always called "Stroppy Cows United", her curried chickpea recipe is almost identical to the one I know and love, and we can both say rude things in French.
  • Bimbler Abi is cool because she owns a Banana Guard. It takes a certain amount of chutzpah to pull one of these things out of your handbag without giggling, so well done Abi!
  • Lambic Mark is cool because he knows how to cook, does a lot of the cooking at home, and actually enjoys it. Any man who can cook and likes it is extra soopa doopa cool to me. But, has he ever cooked for me? Nooooo. Bah, I might have to remove Mark from this list.
  • Dina is cool because she and her husband Steve made the most gorgeous little boy in the world. Next to our son, of course.
  • Laputain is cool because she said on her blog that I looked gorgeous with my bump. Comments that make me feel less like a whale and more like a lovely lady is a Very Good Thing. Plus, she's Scottish and as we know, all Scottish people are cool.
  • Martine is cool because she's been on TV! And not on one of those Crimewatch type programmes, either.
  • Gordon is cool because he invented Hector the Latin Love Spider. Gordon, if you still have the pic, please send it to me - I can't find mine. :(
  • Heather is cool because even though she did her PhD at Cambridge, she can still find great joy in waving rubber ducks around at Lemon Jelly concerts. No pretentiousness here, folks.
  • Tilly is cool because she's got a dog called Jasper!
  • Jim is cool because he wrangled a night (and following morning) of heavy drinking completely paid for by some guy's travel expense account. Now that, my friends, is sticking it to the man.
  • PaulG is cool because he is the person who discovered the hilarity of pictures of people playing tennis. And it's been nonstop giggling about a billion other things since.
  • Melanie is cool because she drove all the way to our house to drop off a sample of her mother's amazing CHEESECAKE!! Dammit, I'm hungry now.
  • TonyF is cool because he's known me for 20 years (really!) and could undoubtedly reveal all sorts of embarrassing facts about me. So he's a cool and lovely person who would never do that sort of thing. *cough*
  • Ed is cool because he gave me my very first permanent tech writing job back in 1997. After several extremely disappointing and frustrating interviews with some truly crap companies, my heart soared when I learned I got the job with Ed...and it turned out to be a pretty cool place to work, to boot.
  • Jack is cool because he can write manuals whilst chair dancing, swearing, and snapping his fingers really loudly at the same time. He gets extra points for not having been maimed or slapped by any workmates.
  • Andre is cool because I have great admiration for anyone who can take a fantastic photograph. Although he got a bit confused about me sucking up to Ed, who hasn't been my boss since 1999 (but I do enjoy my window seat at my present job). ;)
  • Michel is cool because he has the tightest buttocks in Montreal.
  • Fi is cool because she was brave enough to return to uni at the age of *muffle mumble*. Plus, Commonwealthers who marry Brits are always cool in my book.
  • Wallace is cool because he suffered through the holidays stuck in the hospital and has been recovering from major heart surgery - which also coincided with his first anniversary with his lovely wife - and is, thankfully, on the mend.
  • Jen is cool because she was making blue food long before Bridget Jones. No, we still don't know how she managed to do it; at least Bridget's blue string was the explanation for hers.
  • Zed is cool because she has the rudest domain name for a non-porn site - and doesn't get banned by our smut filter at work.
  • Nina is so cool that she doesn't even have a blog. Considering that any idiot with an Internet connection has one these days, that makes her a true cyber rebel.
  • Trudge is cool because he probably doesn't have an annoying mobile ring tone that plays a tinny version of "Oops, I did it again" or something equally horrifying.

    [posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

    05 January 2005

    i wasn't even trying to be rude


    For those of you using MT, it seems that some of your anti-spam/blacklist thingies keep insisting that my comments are inappropriate and won't let me post. For example, I tried to tell Fi that I enjoyed The Return of the King (particularly the extras) and couldn't post a comment because it was deemed offensive. So I tried to shorten it to let her know that I couldn't post a comment, but that also got rejected. Same thing happened on Maggie's site regarding number 1 songs on the day of my birth. I never knew that "Heard it Through the Grapevine" was smutty, but apparently MT thinks it is. I didn't even swear once. Honest.

    [posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

    you've got to give a little


    Please take a minute or two and donate what you can to the Tsunami Earthquake Appeal. UK residents can donate here. After all, it is still the season of giving - the twelfth night is tomorrow, isn't it?

    [posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

    04 January 2005

    honk if you're hormonal


    I saw an interesting sign on a car the other day. Instead of the usual "baby on board" signs seen on every third car, I spotted a "mum to be on board" sign. It's brilliant because other drivers should be warned if they are driving close to a pregnant woman. The fine print below the "mum to be on board" bit should read "If you decide to do something stupid like cut off the driver of this car or drive too closely, she will drive up next to you, smash through your window, and beat the crap out of you with her handbag. And no court will convict her."

    We need more signs like this. It would be useful to know if the driver and/or passengers have PMS, anger management issues, or chronic fatigue syndrome. How useful would it be to be warned that there's a "student who's been awake for 72 hours cramming for exams on board"? Very.

    Mark my words, you will see more of this sort of thing in 2005.

    [posted by: Lisa Durbin] --

    03 January 2005

    who you callin' auld?


    A very happy new year to you all, my 2005 friends. I would do one of those "year in review" things, but I can't be arsed to look up the events of 2004 and comment on them. All I know is it was an exciting and eventful year for us, which ended on a rather quiet note. My last great achievement of 2004 was managing to stay awake until 1.00 in the morning. Rock da howse!

    I don't do resolutions, especially when I've got no bad habits I can give up. I quit smoking in 2000, I can't really drink (I don't see the point of consuming my permitted 1 unit of alcohol per week - it's about as enjoyable as watching the first 5 minutes of a really great film then having to switch over to "Question Time"), and I don't think I'll join a gym quite yet. This year, I plan on giving birth at some point in the next two months, getting as much sleep as humanly possible, and promise to maintain the ability to converse about subjects other than babies. There, those are my resolutions.

    Whatever your resolutions, plans, or hopes for the upcoming year, have a fabulous 2005. It's the year of the rooster - go out there and be cocky! Har har.

    [posted by: Lisa Durbin] --