Friday, April 29, 2005
out and about
Yesterday, Paul, Jack and I drove down to our Chalfont office. Paul was there for work-related reasons, and I was there to catch up on the gossip and introduce Jack to my workmates. Jack got lots of cuddles and attention from Auntie Sarah P, Auntie Sinead, Auntie Emma, and Auntie Sarah C. He was grinned at by several uncles (although they don't tend to be as keen to cuddle as the aunties), and enjoyed his second pub lunch. It was really fantastic to see everyone and every time I visit, I leave wishing that my Chalfont girly friends lived closer to us.
It's a beautiful day today, all sunshine and warmth and feeling like summer might actually happen this year. Jack and I went to Tesco this morning (and may I just say that people who park in the mother/child spaces who don't have children are utter dickheads), visited our local butcher (who knows us by name, always remembers what we last bought, and asks how it was), and then took a nice long stroll with Jasper after lunch. The sidewalks (or "pavements" as my UK friends like to say) in my village are very narrow, which makes walking a dog and pushing a large buggy rather challenging - especially when someone else is coming towards you and needs to get by. Needless to say, I'm very grateful that Jasper is well trained and can walk to heel in narrow spaces.
So with the sun shining down on us, a gin and tonic is on the agenda this evening. I have been eagerly awaiting this year's first meal out in the garden, putting the fairy lights on when it starts to get dark, and sipping cocktails. Have a good bank holiday weekend, and if Monday isn't a holiday wherever you live, call in sick and tell them Lisa said it's okay.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
reality check
Elizabeth asked me in my comments about feeling overwhelmed, scared, and anxious about the concept of motherhood. The short answer is, before Jack was born, I was too excited about/consumed by everything I was experiencing in pregnancy to think about what would happen after he was born. After he made his debut, reality hit and that's when my palms started getting sweaty.
When Jack and I came home from hospital, there were days when panic swept over me and I couldn't fathom how I was going to adapt to life (albeit temporarily) as a stay at home mum. The thought of attending mother/baby groups depressed me (why would I want to sit around and talk about babies with other mothers?). I felt doomed to an existence of family restaurants, only going to places called "playlands" with large rooms full of multicoloured plastic balls, hosting birthday parties with 30 screaming children, and spending my days wondering what the hell I was going to do to fill my time and keep my brain cells from packing their bags and moving into the head of a woman without children. I mourned the loss of freedom; of being unable to go off on a holiday whenever and wherever we wanted, and going to restaurants without worrying if their bathrooms have a changing table. I was paralysed at the reality of being responsible for the life of a helpless newborn. I had no confidence about leaving the house with Jack, and envied women who seemed to tote their tots around effortlessly, everywhere and anywhere. I felt like a Bad Mother. Why did I feel so incompetent and why was I having these negative feelings when everyone else seemed so happy and adept in their new roles?
Now, I look forward to taking Jack places and I cannot wait until he's old enough to enjoy a day out. I have learned that you don't have to succumb to the world of McDonald's and Chuck E Cheese; you can take your child somewhere enjoyable for you too (which gives me a great excuse to finally visit the London Aquarium). Although I'm still unsure about some of the mother/baby groups (maybe I'll "get it" when Jack gets a bit older), I thoroughly enjoy speaking to other mum friends about our shared experiences and have gained a wealth of useful information. There are lots of things that fill my days, and it's a wonderful feeling knowing that a) you can get things done on weekdays and b) Sundays are relaxing when you don't have to go to work the next day. Most importantly, I don't feel like a useless goob. Most of the time.
The truth is, being pregnant, giving birth, and becoming a parent is a big deal. How could we not go through this without feeling like we're undertaking something much bigger than we are? Raising a tiny human being who is totally dependent on you is an overwhelming concept. In reality, it's still rather scary at first, but you're probably going to be too busy to fret about it too much. By the time you do get a chance to think about it, you've settled into your new life and motherhood isn't quite as terrifying. And if you still feel like running away and screaming some days, you're not a Bad Mother - you're human. And we've all been there.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
time, she is flying
Two months?! Jack is now just over two months old?! Have I been blacking out for several days at a time? Where on earth has two months gone? Jack has now lost his puffy-eyed, grumpy old man newborn look and spends most of his waking time smiling and babbling away to whoever will listen and respond. His big curious eyes (which I'm sure are starting to go brown) follow me wherever I go, as he sticks his fist into his mouth and chews away happily. I am amazed by this little boy every single day, and fascinated by his every move. Hopefully he won't get a complex from being constantly stared at and photographed.
My parents have been here since Wednesday, spoiling Jack rotten. They showed up with a suitcase full of presents for Jack (and imported fine foods for me, such as Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn) and he barely gets put down when they are here. They keep offering to babysit and let us have some "freedom", but we can't think of things we want to/can't do without him. We did take them up on this on Friday as an early Canadian Mother's Day treat - my parents offered to look after Jack and pay for our dinner. We had a lovely meal at the Old Bridge Hotel (where we got married), and surprisingly didn't spend the entire time talking about Jack or worrying about how he was.
It's strange to be without him and to be honest, I don't really feel the need to be on our own. I'm sure that eventually we will be looking forward to child-free time, but at the moment, I love being with my son. I'm not looking for freedom quite yet (although the idea of swapping with Mom and Dad and staying in their hotel room for a decent night's sleep is really appealing). What's been a real treat is being able to pass Jack over to my parents for cuddles while I get things done - or even better, being able to relax with Jack when my parents lend a helping hand around the house. The type of break I need isn't necessarily away from Jack, it's from the day-to-day chores that make me too exhausted to appreciate my time with him.
Ah, which reminds me, I have decided to get someone in to clean the house once a week as soon as I return to work. This raising a child and doing housework malarky ain't for us old broads with dodgy hands and backs.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
shot through the heart
Jack had his first round of immunisations today, which were far more traumatic for me than for him, I think. My stomach hurt last night just thinking about it, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Friends told me to be prepared to hear your child make sounds you've never heard before, and to stock up on Calpol (liquid Tylenol for infants) for the big day. I held Jack and the nurse asked me to hold his leg steady as the first shot went in. He let out a piercing cry that broke my heart into a million pieces. He then had another shot in the other leg and let out another shrill scream, at which point I stopped listening to whatever the nurse was telling me and just wanted to take him home. Two minutes later, he was fine. I was in tears.
I changed him at the surgery while we waited the obligatory 10 minutes to make sure he didn't react badly to the shots, and he giggled the entire time. I picked him up and cradled him, teary-eyed with shaking hands, and he looked around with a grin on his face. I gave him some Calpol when we got home and now he's sitting next to me blowing bubbles and sticking out his tongue at me.
Who's the bigger baby?
Monday, April 18, 2005
more firsts
So we went on our first weekend jaunt away from home to Paul's parent's house in sunny Kent. I impressed myself by packing only what we actually needed and not forgetting anything. Off to Kent we went, with a car packed up to the roof (which has led to the confirmation that we are getting a new car) and Jack slept. On Saturday morning, Jack took his first trip to Costco and a couple of other places around Lakeside, and Jack slept. On Saturday afternoon, Jack met some of his first and second cousins, and was so excited, he slept. Then Auntie Gabi and Uncle Andrew came over for supper, and Auntie Gabi gave Jack tons of cuddles. And Jack slept. Paul's mum made a delicious Sunday roast lunch, and while we gobbled it down, Jack slept.
I swear, I am not drugging my child, nor am I drinking a bottle of gin before I breastfeed. I try to tell people that he fusses whenever I put him down at home, but then Jack sleeps and sleeps and sleeps whenever we're around other people or out of the house, and I'm starting to sound delusional.
Oh, and Jack had his very first pub lunch last Friday. He slept.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
carry on
Another exciting (for me, anyway) discovery today - I put Jack in his baby carrier today and was able to lug him around without any pain or difficulty. Look at how thrilled he is about this fantastic new development:
He fell fast asleep as soon as I buckled him in, and stayed like that despite being jostled around while I did chores around the house. Although I probably can't carry him around for long periods of time, it does give us the chance to go more places. I can drive but still can't lift the pram in and out of the car, so I can only take Jack and his car seat very short distances to a destination where I can put Jack down (or put him in a trolley, like at Tesco). Now that I can use the carrier, I can pop him in it and go anywhere. I've been dying to check out our local farmer's market (remember when I said this at the beginning of my maternity leave? har har har), and now I can. Tomorrow, in fact. To the market we shall go.
I'm sure that in the near future I will think nothing of carting Jack around with me everywhere and being able to get out the door in five minutes, but at the moment, it's baby steps (no pun intended) like these that make up important milestones. I might even have a life again soon.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
from bumps to babes
I had a few women from our antenatal class over this afternoon for baby ogling and chitchat. It's funny to think that when we last met, we were waddling around and taking bets on who'd go into labour first. It was lovely to meet the wee ones (two girlfriends and one playmate for Jack) and to have a good natter with the girls. We all gave birth within a week of each other at the same hospital, thus we had a lot of shared experiences.
Interestingly, out of eight of us, only one had a "normal" labour and birth. In other words, only one woman went into labour on her own and delivered her baby vaginally, without any intervention. As for the rest of the group, three of us had c-sections, and the rest were induced. It almost seems rare for a woman to simply go into labour and push the baby out herself these days.
I learned today that Jack has cradle cap (which I keep calling "cradle crap" when I say it out loud, because I'm tired and can't speak properly). I noticed that he had some dry skin over one eyebrow and bits on his head, but didn't know it was cradle cap until one of the girls pointed it out on her baby today. I guess I must have some sort of inherent baby skincare instincts, because earlier this morning I rubbed some almond oil on it and gently brushed away the dry skin with a soft cloth. I just looked up cradle cap, and apparently that's exactly what you're supposed to do. Spooky, eh?
Jack has just started the "Hey Wait a Minute, You've Put Me Down and I Don't Like That One Bit" phase. Who knew that such a tiny little person could make such big, loud screechy noises?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
and another
More pictures of my smiley boy, just 'cos:
This is the virtual equivalent to whipping out small photo albums everywhere you go and inflicting pictures of your pride and joy on everyone you encounter. God, I love having a web site.
oh what a beautiful morning
I put Jack down in his cot while I got ready this morning. After a few minutes, I could hear tiny giggles and squeals coming from the cot.
Jack found his thumb:
and was quite pleased about it:
This seems to have been a fluke because he was back to stuffing his entire fist in his mouth after I took these pictures. That smile melts my heart. Yes, I'll be the pushover parent.
Monday, April 11, 2005
livin' on the edge
Today, Jack and I ventured out on our own for the very first time. The destination of our big adventure? Tesco - that's right, a big supermarket. I'm all agog! Seriously, I haven't felt physically capable of going out with Jack without Paul (and I only got the go ahead to drive last Friday) so this is a big milestone for me. They should put a space for this in baby books. Something along the lines of, "Mummy was finally able to take me out without hyperventilating just thinking about it on this date." Jack snoozed through the whole thing, and I left with a new sense of confidence. I'm still a bit limited because I can't lift the pram in and out of the car yet, and I can't carry Jack in his carseat very far. But hey, at least I'm mobile again.
In other news, please think happy, c-section avoidance thoughts for my lovely friend Susan. She's gone in to be induced today, and I'm keeping everything crossed for her.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
hallelujah and pass the duvet
Last night, Jack slept from midnight until 7.30 this morning. Maternal instinct woke me up at 5, as I realised (somewhere, deep within my very tired brain) that I had been asleep for what felt like a very long time. A quick check to make sure Jack was still breathing (at what point do we stop doing that sort of thing?), and I fell back asleep for another 2 1/2 hours. We woke up amazed and elated, but knew that nights like this are likely a fluke - but goodness, we appreciated this treat.
Feel free to do that again anytime, my little man.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
ketchup
A more substantial post about the exciting world of newborn babies and new mothers is overdue, although I hope you've been enjoying the pictures. Jack is starting to think that mummy is a creature with a large lens for a face.
We both have our 6 week check tomorrow with the doctor, and I'm sure we'll pass with flying colours. Not that I know exactly what is being checked, but I'm pretty sure we're fine. I always had the impression that c-section recovery ended by 6 weeks, probably because the only thing anyone ever hears about is the fact that you can't drive for 6 weeks. The truth is, I don't feel back to normal yet by any stretch of the imagination. My scar is still tender and it still hurts when I move around or try to lift anything. I am definitely better than I was a couple of weeks ago, but I can't do essential tasks yet like lift Jack's buggy out of the car. What's annoying is that a woman from my antenatal class is able to walk her dog with her baby in a sling - and she had a c-section a few days after me. So why am I still feeble? It seems that some women feel fine and dandy after a couple of weeks, and some still feel pain in their scar years later. I really, really don't want to fall into the latter category.
Having said all that, I am feeling better overall. Although I don't think you ever get used to a lack of sleep, you do learn to cope with it and it doesn't seem too bad on the most part. On the nights that Jack only wakes to feed once in the night (e.g. he sometimes feeds at midnight, 4am, and 8am), I feel pretty good the next day. Coming from someone who couldn't even speak on less than 8 hours sleep a night, this is quite remarkable. Jack is on mixed feeds, which has made a huge difference in our nighttime routine. He gets bottles through the night (either expressed breast milk or - *gasp* - formula), which allows him to fill his belly each feed. When I breastfed during the night, he'd latch on, feed for five minutes, fall asleep (and trust me, I could not wake him for the life of me), and then wake up screaming an hour later because he hadn't eaten enough (and take ages to settle). Now he empties his bottle and goes back to sleep for another 3-4 hours without much fuss. He's getting enough to eat, I'm getting some sleep, and retaining what's left of my sanity. Part of the problem with recovering from a c-section is that I was exhausted most of the time and it's difficult to get Jack into a good position to feed without putting pressure on my scar. When I'm extremely tired, I don't produce much milk. The leads to a very grumpy baby and a very stressed mother. Giving my baby formula this early might make me a minion of Satan, but we're all much happier now.
Jack is turning into a proper little baby. He makes noises to amuse himself and soaks in the world around him. You can tell that he's becoming much more aware of everything around him and his newly acquired ability to smile has marked the change from newborn to growing baby. It's nice; newborns are extremely passive (and demanding), but they become more responsive as they get older. Jack and I often spend time just staring at each other - I look at him in complete wonderment and awe, and he stares at me trying to figure out what this fuzzy blob thing that feeds him is.
The good days now far outweigh the bad, and now I only get teary at things that actually do warrant tears (like some episodes of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and when I tell Jack I love him every morning). Maybe the 6 week recovery doesn't apply to my scar, but there has been definite improvement in my wobbly new mother legs. I'm sure the scar will follow.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
reunion
The ex-pregnant ladies lunch club met at our house yesterday afternoon with beautiful babies in tow. It was the first time I've met Lucie's little girl Grace, and Conchita's bambino Silvia. Tosha's son Indigo demonstrated his fist-swallowing trick and treated us to an especially fragrant nappy for the occasion. Unfortunately, Jack slept through every minute of it, including the Crying Baby Chorus that serenaded us for a few minutes. There was lots of laughing, commiserating, and vigorous nodding of heads. It's very nice to get together with women who know where all the breastfeeding zones are in town, and who truly understand the meaning of the words "painful feeds" (and who agree that the incorrect latching theory is a large pile of meconium).
Apologies for any dog hair that came home with you, and for the Jasper bath service - and for completely forgetting to put out the cinnamon rolls I had made specifically for our get together. Baby brain strikes again.
it's definitely not gas
I got my first genuine smile on the morning of my birthday last week. My heart leapt and my eyes filled with tears.
Can you imagine what I'll be like when he says his first word?
Sunday, April 03, 2005
the many faces of jack 2
Left to right: "Want a knuckle sandwich?", "I am filling my nappy and concentrating really, really hard.", and "This is what I think of Britney's new perfume."
